Thursday, December 31, 2009

A New Year

"I hope 2009 brings us better luck and we have no more heartaches. I am looking forward to the new year. I am trying to be positive that 2009 is our year. That we will have our miracle baby. "

That was the first part of my entry in last years new years blog entry.

Well sad to say that wish never happened. 2009 was not a better year. We still had heartaches. As I was in the shower today I was thinking to myself. Instead of feeling sad that this wasn't a good year, what happened that was good about it.
Well, I was pregnant. Even though it was for 8 weeks, I cherished those weeks. I found the doctor I am with now. My new reproductive endocrinologist is amazing. I am in such a wonderful practice. After my third miscarriage I switched. They found out that I in fact had a uterine septum and I had surgery to fix it in November.We are now moving on to IVF and I couldn't be happier. I feel like its a sign that the IVF will be in January. New year, better luck.

Its so easy to say, "this year was horrible, I just want to look forward to the new year and put this past one behind me." Though I feel this way, I also feel that I am glad things happened. They say things happen for a reason. If I didn't miscarry with my third I wouldn't of switched doctors, they wouldn't have found the septum and I wouldn't of been in the middle of IVF. I probably would of kept miscarrying and not knowing the reasons.

I also found out alot about myself that I am working on. My whole body and soul has been reworked. I am in the best shape of my life and I am the healthiest I have been in years.
I workout now in moderation. I do yoga more now that works on my flexibility and mind. I eat healthy foods.I don't diet anymore,starving myself and restricting my eating to lose weight. I simply eat foods that are good for me. I am preparing my body for a healthy pregnancy.

I know this year with be our year. I can feel it. Although I said this before, I know its true this time. Most of this year I will be pregnant. I will be growing a beautiful baby. We will have our miracle baby. My blog entry for next year will say "what a wonderful year we had!"

2010, I am ready for you.

Monday, December 28, 2009

The Lupron Fog

I started Lupron, also known as Leuprolide. Leuprolide is a man-made form of a hormone that regulates many processes in the body. Leuprolide overstimulates the body's own production of certain hormones, which causes that production to shut down temporarily. They want to stop ovulation for January's cycle, which is the IVF cycle.I started it yesterday. My husband was there and kind of gave me support. He is not good with needles, so I did that, but he was there, which was nice. You have to put the medication in a syringe and inject it 2 inches from your belly button. It didn't hurt at all. Today I felt like a pro doing it. I have to take 10 units every morning. Yesterday I was just very exhausted. I think I had to get used to it. I just slept and felt kind of drugged. I felt like I was in a fog all day. Today I feel much better. I am still tired and have a headache, but nothing I can't handle. I don't want to complain because its all for a good cause. Here are some side effects you get with Lupron.

The side effects are:
Acne, increased growth of facial hair
Dizziness, weakness, tired feeling
Hot flashes, night sweats, chills, clammy skin
Nausea, diarrhea, constipation, stomach pain
Skin redness, itching, or scaling
Joint or muscle pain
Vaginal itching or discharge
Breast swelling or tenderness
Impotence, loss of interest in sex
Depression, sleep problems (insomnia), memory problems
Redness, burning, itching, or swelling where the shot was given

I am one step closer to being a mom. I can see some light the end of the road and its getting brighter and brighter. I can't wait for this fog to lift. I am almost there...

Friday, December 18, 2009

Fear

I have experienced many feelings in this journey. Some feelings repeat themselves. Sadness, anger, happiness, disappointment, jealously, hopelessness, guilt, and fear to just name a few. I am struggling with fear. I am so afraid that I will never experience a full term pregnancy and never have a child. As I was driving to work I was thinking of one of my cousins who got induced yesterday. Will I ever experience that? Will I ever get to experience the miracle of giving birth?

I received my box of medications in the mail last week. I have all the medications I need to hopefully fulfill this dream. It was a bit overwhelming, but I knew it would all help me.
I already started birth control pills. It seems so weird to be on them. I am starting Lupron on Decemeber 28th.

My goal is just to get through Christmas. Its so very hard. Last year was tough and now this year its hard again. I went to the mall one day and it just hurts seeing moms and dads pushing baby carriages and standing in line waiting to take a picture with Santa. As my husband and I were decorating the tree I couldn't help but think another Christmas without a son or daughter. It just doesn't seem fair. I would give anything to be able to put a stocking in between my husbands and mine. My fears come into play. I fear I will never get to do this.

I have to have faith that this 2010 will be our year. Good things will happen to us. I will be able to put my fears aside and will experience the feeling of happiness and excitement.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas.





"Remember, if Christmas isn't found in your heart, you won't find it under a tree." ~ Charlotte Carpenter.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

I believe

I just got the new Andrea Bocelli Christmas CD on itunes. There is a song called I Believe. He sings it with Katherine Jenkins. This one song is so beautiful and the words are so true. Here are the lyrics. This song touched me so much.

One day I’ll hear the laugh of children
In a world where war has been banned
One day I’ll see men of all colors
Sharing words of love and devotion
Stand up and feel the holy spirit
Find the power of your faith
Open your heart to those who need you
In the name of love and devotion
Yes I believe
I believe in the people
0f all nations to join and to care for love
I believe in a world where
Light will guide us and giving our love
We’ll make heaven on earth

Yes I believe
I believe in the people
0f all nations to join and to care for love
I believe in a world
And giving our love
We’ll make heaven on earthI believe


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yc_7ZJdv1o0

I have a visitor.

Many months I wish she never showed up. I usually pray she stays far away. But this month I couldn't wait for her to come. Yes you guessed it, my Aunt Flo aka menstrual cycle. My poor husband doesn't even know how to respond anymore. I told him that I finally got my period, his response, "Is that good or bad". Poor guy.

I feel like I am moving to a new chapter in my journey. Its a whole new world my therapist says. Yes, I do see a therapist and I find it very helpful. Through this whole journey I have been having to deal with so many feelings. Its been a roller coaster that I needed to get a handle on. I go to a place that deals with the mind and body. They have therapist, nutritionist, yoga and acupuncture.

What I like about the therapist is her patients are all dealing with infertility. She really knows where I am coming from. I have learned I need to get my body healthy to obtain a pregnancy. I was exercising at a high intensity level, 6 to 7 days a week, 2 to 3 hours a day, and I wasn't eating very well. Sometimes I would eat just two meals a day. I would constantly count calories and weigh myself every day. That's where the nutritionist came into play. I knew in the back of my mind that I had a problem. I felt like I was spiraling out of control. My body image was completely distorted. I always thought I was fat, was always on a diet, and I needed to workout everyday. I was diagnosed with having an eating disorder.

As I look back on my life I can pretty much say it has been going on for a very long time. In my early teens I remember always being on a diet and working out, in my 20's I would take diet pills and again workout to the extreme. The eating disorder resurfaced before my wedding and then resurfaced again after my first miscarriage. I felt this was the only way I could have control of my body. When I miscarried I had no control, I couldn't prevent it or stop it. This was the only way I could control it. Its been a secret I have been dealing with and it felt really good to get it off my chest. Although I am ashamed and have not told my family, just my husband, I feel like I am on my way to recovery. Its a long road and I have to retrain my minds thinking. I can't eat out in restaurants because it gets me very nervous. I don't know how they make the food and the not knowing the calories really sets me off.

When I look back on when I was pregnant, I would be very scared about gaining weight. I would gain weight very fast because I would eat better and add carbs to my diet. This used to make be very nervous. I would go on the scale every day and get so upset. I have so much guilt. Did I cause my miscarriages because my body didn't like gaining weight.
I am still dealing with that part of guilt.

I had a realization a couple of weeks ago. I was sitting with my therapist and I told her we decided to do IVF. I said I have 2 months to get on track. I need to do it now! She said do you think you can do it? I said yes, I want to be a mom more than anything.

My workouts are now just walking, not getting my heart rate above 130 for 30 minutes, strength training with low weights and yoga. I think the yoga has helped out tremendously. Its quiets my mind and lets me relax. Fertility yoga is my favorite.

Now with Aunt Flo here we are moving to the next step. Its a two month process. This month I am on birth control pills to shrink cysts I have on my ovaries and prevent new ones from forming, then next month is the IVF.

I know I have alot of work to do. I see my therapist every other week now and the nutritionist every month. I also have to do alot of work on my own. This is the only body I have. I cant trade it in for a new one and I really need to have it be as healthy as it can be. I need to make it a safe place for a baby.

I urge you to talk to someone if you need to. Don't be ashamed or feel that you can deal with things on your own. You are not weak, you are in fact strong. This whole process is very hard to deal with, emotionally and sometimes physically. Most fertility centers offer therapists to talk to. Here are a few websites I found helpful.

http://www.fertilityneighborhood.com/

www.resolve.org/

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/



I wish you all well in your journeys to motherhood. You are not alone.

Namaste.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Tick tock

I have learned the power of patience through all this. I am now waiting for Aunt Flo to come so I can start my IVF cycle. I was giving estrogen after the surgery to build up the lining in the uterus and then they gave me progestin to bring my menstrual cycle on, but still nothing. I sometimes think my body is on strike and just refuses to cooperate. I thought it would come first week of December, I would be put on birth control pills for 21 days to shrink my cysts and make sure no new ones form and then in January I will get the IVF. Now it looks like its we are going to be delayed a bit.

My insurance didn't approve the PGD testing. I went to see my doctor and he suggested I didn't do it. He said if you my kids I would tell you not to waste your money. So we decided to just do the IVF. I am hoping my problem was my septum and since that's gone I should be good to go.

I just want to get this process moving. I can't wait to start the new year. I am ready to put 2009 behind me.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

It still hurts

Time has healed some of my wounds, but not all. It still hurts to see a mom with her child, my sister in law pregnant and announcing its a girl on facebook, an empty bedroom in my house that should of been the nursery, baby's first Christmas ornaments and just thinking that yet another holiday is here and I am still not a mother.

I often listen to books on cd in my car because I have an hour commute. The author reading was talking about her mother. The image that comes to her when she thinks of her is Maria Lactans, Mary as a nursing mother. She said she once asked her mother , "When you were a little girl, what did you dream about becoming? There was no hesitation, she said a mother."

This made me think of my own life. I have always said that as well. I never dreamed of becoming a doctor, lawyer, or an astronaut when I was little. I never really wanted a huge career. I just wanted to be a wife and mother. I remember playing dolls and pretending I was their mother all through my childhood. I couldn't wait to be older and get married and be a mom. I loved to babysit and take care of babies. I loved to babysit my nieces. I loved when people would mistake me for their mother. I never corrected them. For a moment I was a mother and I loved that feeling.

I am not giving up on my dream just yet. I am a fighter and have alot of fighting left in me. I am looking forward to 2010 and leaving 2009 as just a memory. I think all this will just make me a better mother.

Someday I can look at my baby and say, "I have waited a long time for you and I am going to be the best mother I can for you."

Maybe then my heart wont ache anymore.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Is that some light I see?

We are another step closer.
I just came back from my post op appointment. I really like the Doctor. He was the surgeon and he is the director of the fertility clinic I go to. He sat us down and said he was going to go through everything with us. My husband was there with me. All my tests I had (I did an observation cycle the month previous to this one), the surgery, and what the next steps we need to take.
All my tests are fine. The surgery went well. I had a 2 cm septum. He said is this why you miscarried, he cant say for sure, but at least that is out of the picture now.

He said I have 3 options, try on our own, IUI or IVF with PGD. We are going for the IVF. The PGD is preimplantation genetic diagnosis on the embryos. They will test the chromosomes to make sure they are normal before they put them in me. I am so happy they are going to do this. Hopefully, it will be covered by insurance. I asked what the criteria was for them to cover. It is 3 miscarriages, the doctors recommendation, and 35. I will be 35 in April so I hope they cover it the testing. I think I will do it anyways if it isn't covered. I think it is worth it and it will just give me peace of mind that the embryos they put in me are ok chromosomal.

Its a two month process. I will get my period in 3 weeks, then I am put in birth control pills and then the next period they put the embryos in me. So I think we are looking at January. That will be a month shy of 2 years since we started the whole trying to conceive process. There are alot of shots, medicine involved and my odds for twins goes up. I would love twins!

So that's were we are at. I am so much closer, I can feel it. I need this nightmare to end. I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have a feeling 2010 is going to be our year.

Friday, November 6, 2009

A great book for those who love yoga.

I just finished reading Enlightment for Idiots by Anne Cushman. This is her first novel. She is a is a contributing editor to both Yoga Journal and Tricycle: The Buddhist Review and the coauthor of From Here to Nirvana, a seeker’s guide to spiritual India.
This book was great. She takes you to India and if you love yoga you will appreciate this book.

Here is what it is about.

Nearing age thirty, Amanda thought she’d be someone by now. Instead, she’s just herself: an ex-nanny, wannabe yogini who cranks out “For Idiots” travel guides just to scrape by. Yes, she has her sexy photographer boyfriend, but he’s usually gone—shooting a dogsled race in Alaska or a vision quest in Peru—or just hooking up with other girls. However, she’s sure her new assignment, “Enlightenment for Idiots,” will change everything; now she will become the serene, centered woman she was meant to be. After some breakup sex, she’s off to India to find a new, more spiritual life.What she finds, though, is an ashram run by investment bankers, a yoga master who trashes her knee, and a guru with a weakness for fashion models. She escapes a tantra party at the Taj Hotel, has a nasty argument outside the cave where the Buddha used to meditate, then agonizes through the ten-day meditation retreat that’s supposed to make her feel better.No, India is not what she’d pictured. But she finds a friend in Devi Das, a red-headed sadhu who refers to himself as “we.” And when a holy lunatic on the street offers her an enigmatic blessing, Amanda realizes a new life might be in store for her—just not the one she was expecting.

One step closer

I am one step closer to motherhood. I can feel it. I had the uterine septum surgery on Wednesday. I am recovering from it. The doctor put me on estogen to help heal the uterus faster.
Please talk to your doctors if you have had recurrent pregnancy loss. Please don't take that it is bad luck as a reason.
Make sure you have a hysteroscopy. This is a way they can look inside your uterus. Also, please remember my story. One doctor told me I had a uterine septum, I had the surgery with another doctor and she said no I don't have one, I miscarried my third and I had another hysteroscopy with a new doctor, he said that I fact had one and now here I am with it finally out. If they left it alone I would miscarry again. Also what no one knew about and thank god I had the hysteroscopy, was that I had products of conception still in my uterus. So if you went natural with your miscarriages please ask for a hysteroscopy to make sure everything is out of the uterus.
The doctor also told me I would miscarry if the baby implanted there as well.

So I feel that I am one step closer to motherhood. I will be a mom.

Much love,
Suzanne

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Yoga for Fertility and Conception

I recently found this article in Yoga Journal Magazine. I thought I would pass this along to you. I hope you find it helpful and informative. The consensus with trying to get pregnant is relaxation. Relaxing your mind and body. I guess there is truth to when doctors would say ‘just relax and it will happen”. It used to make me upset but as I have been reading and doing some research I have found that most success rates happen in infertility clinics when patients get involved in either yoga, acupuncture, and meditation. I have been trying to get more involved in the mind and body experience. I have been doing acupuncture, yoga and I have been listening to cds in the car on relaxation and breathing.

Here is the article I found that I would like to pass on to you. I urge you to try some of these postures. Put a relaxing cd and try these postures. Jaki Nett answered this question. Jaki Nett is a certified Iyengar Yoga instructor in St. Helena, California, and a faculty member of the Iyengar Yoga Institute of San Francisco. She teaches public classes in the San Francisco Bay Area and leads workshops in the United States and Europe, including specialty workshops on female issues.

Question: Which type of yoga class has the best possible benefits to aid fertility and conception?

Answer: Restorative yoga class—a class where the body, mind, and spirit learn the art of relaxation. A woman's desire to conceive can be overpowering and can drive her to the point of obsession. If this happens, sometimes logic is overlooked and stress becomes the foundation for coitus.
Since it is the woman's body and mind that has to be healthy and free of stress, it is her responsibility--with the unwavering support of her partner--to create the most favorable conditions for conception. To start the process both partners should have a comprehensive physical and psychological examination to determine that they are both without physical and mental conditions that could block conception.
To further alleviate stress about trying to conceive, start mapping your cycle of fertility. When entering a fertile time, start practicing restorative poses. As you practice, soften the abdominal area and begin to consciously remove tension from around the uterus, fallopian tubes, and ovaries.
My teacher, Geeta S. Iyengar, author of Yoga a Gem for Women (Allied, Publishers Limited, 1983), writes extensively on women's issues. She stresses the importance of practicing several asanas to aid in conception. Salamba Sirsasana (Supported Headstand), Salamba Sarvangasana (Supported Shoulderstand) , and Setu Bandha Sarvangasana (Supported Bridge Pose) are recommended because of their hypothesized effects on hormonal balance.

She also recommends the following poses:

Forward bends—To make the poses more restorative, place a chair in front of you and rest your head and arms on the seat for support, or use a bolster for support.
Dandasana (Staff Pose)
Baddha Konasana (Bound Angle Pose)
Janu Sirsasana (Head-to-Knee Forward Bend)
Paschimottanasana (Seated Forward Bend)
Upavistha Konasana (Wide Angle Pose)
Malasana (Garland Pose)

Reclining Poses—These poses are helpful because they open and elongate the abdominal area.

Bound Supta Baddha Konasana (Reclined Bound Angle Pose)
Supta Virasana (Reclined Hero's Pose)

I also recommend Viparita Karani (Legs-Up-the-Wall Pose) after coitus (which will theoretically keep the sperm inside the body and close to the opening of the uterus) to encourage the opportunity for sperm penetration. Before coitus set up for Viparita Karani (Legs-Up-the-Wall Pose). As you move into and out of the pose, keep the abdominal area soft-your partner can assist you to make this possible. The amount of time you spend in Viparita Karani is up to you.
To set up for Viparita Karani: Fold a sticky mat into quarters and place it two inches from the wall. Place a round bolster or a firm folded blanket on top of the sticky mat with the back edge of the bolster or blanket in line with the back edge of the mat. Place the buttocks on top of the bolster with the sitting bones as close to the wall as possible and the legs up the wall. The tailbone should tilt toward the ceiling so that the vaginal area is pointing upward. The shoulders, arms, and head rest on the floor. Once in the correct pelvic position, allow the legs to soften and bend the knees to allow the abdominal and pelvic floor to relax.

I hope you found this helpful and will give it a try.

Namaste.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Miles

Some days are worse than others. Reminders are constantly around me. I feel like I am going down a downward spiral and I am trying to catch my breath. I have to say that all this is the worst thing I have ever had to endure in my life.
This weekend I did rather well. I have been listening to self-help books. Dr.Weil’s Breathing techniques and Dr Wayne Dyer on positive thinking. Yesterday I spent the day with my husband going on a long walk, cooking, and having a nice Sunday dinner together. It really was a good day.
This morning I woke up very depressed and just very down on what has been going on. I had a meeting today at work. It was a small meeting this one man, woman and me. We are all sitting at this table and the woman was pregnant. I asked when she was due and she said March 18th. My last pregnancy was due March 25th. It was like a stab in the heart. I should have had the cute little belly she had. All through the meeting I kept on looking at her belly. I was so jealous of her. It’s so hard to try to breath and try to think positive. How can you when you have to encounter constant reminders that you are not pregnant. You were but they got taking away from you. It just a lot to handle.
I cant tell you how many things I get in the mail no matter how many times I tell them to take me off the mailing list. I got a catalog on all first birthday things. I would have had a one-year on November 4 th. I should be picking out Halloween costumes for my little ones.
Instead I am still childless and I am not pregnant. It’s so very hard and I am trying to get through this one day at a time. But I think of how much time as gone already.

My favorite saying and what I keep on repeating to myself is, “A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step."by Lao Tzu.

How many miles do I have to go to become a mother?

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Another hurdle

I wonder how many hurdles I have to have to go through in my life. I recently changed doctors. I am at a new Fertility Clinic. I am in the evaluation cycle. The new doctor wanted to do alot of the tests that I already had done before again. Because I had a loss after all the testing he wanted to redo things to see if they missed something. He also felt better that he would be doing the tests. One of the test I had to do over was an Office hysteroscopy. You can look back in my blog to see what happened but to brief, I had it in March, the doctor that did it found that I had a uterine septum. I had surgery in April to fix it but when the doctor went in she said it wasn't a septum it was just a heart shaped uterus and left it alone.

The new doctor wanted to do another hysteroscopy to look at the septum again and because I had another loss he wanted to see in the uterus to see if anything was there from the 3rd pregnancy.

Today I had the procedure. The doctor came in and did the hysteroscopy. It wasn't my doctor who did it because my doctor is on vacation but he said that he read up on all that was happening to me. He saw the septum right away. I in fact have a septum. I explained to him what happened. The doctor said nope its definitely a septum. It is a centimeter. I clearly see it on here. If you get pregnant and it lands on it you will miscarry. A uterine septum has no blood supply. So if an embryo attaches on it, it wont survive. I also have placenta still in there from my last miscarriage that needs to come out. He said if you got pregnant and it lands on it, you would miscarry again.

He can't say for sure if the placenta is from my second miscarriage or this past one. I am hoping its from my last one. I had a d&c with my second and if they missed that, that wouldn't be good.

So I have to have surgery on Nov 4th. He will fix the septum and take the placenta out.
He was very nice. He said you have been through so much. Its time to fix this. He said I don't know who did the surgery last time but I have to do some research on her. He was kind of pissed that a doctor would do that. He clearly sees I have a septum.

So I wont be getting pregnant again for about another couple of months.

I am just very sad that it could of been fixed in April when I had the surgery and maybe prevented the last miscarriage. I think of all the time that has past. My last miscarriage could of been prevented.

I think of this being another hurdle I need to overcome. I have been think of this a positive, not a negative. I am one step closer on having the baby I so much want to have.

Please remember to get second and maybe third opinions. This is the third fertility clinic I have been to. I knew deep down inside there was something wrong. I didn't want to except them telling me its just back luck. I have to get this uterus all fixed up so I can make it a nice home for my future baby.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day



I can't believe there has to be such a day. Our babies should not of been lost. They should all be with their moms and dads. Growing inside of us or babies growing into toddlers.
Life doesn't work that way. Life doesn't always seem to go so smoothly.

October 15th is a day to remember all pregnancies and infants lost in order to heal and be comforted in a time of pain and heartache, and to have hope for the future.

Pregnancy & Infant loss occurs much more often in our country than people might believe. Close to 2000 families are affected by this tragedy each year. Miscarriage occurs in 20 to 30 % of all confirmed pregnancies. 75 to 80 % of miscarriages occur within the first 12 weeks of conception, sometimes so early that a woman may not even know she is pregnant, it is therefore believed that 50 % of all conceptions result in miscarriage. Ectopic pregnancy occurs in 2 to 3 % of all conceptions. Molar pregnancy occurs in 1 out of 1000 pregnancies, 4 of every 1000 births ends with a stillborn baby and almost 1 of every 100 births results in a baby who dies during the first 28 days of life (not including SIDS which occurs 2 per 100) Chances are, we all know someone who has been affected by pregnancy or infant loss.
Stillbirth is one of the most misunderstood "accidents," often viewed as an unfortunate, but minor, nonevent by those outside the family. Not everyone understands the emotional investment parents put into their unborn children, in some cases even before that child is conceived. The hopes, dreams, plans, love and anticipation are real, even if no one has yet seen this child.
Families who suffer this tragedy need sensitive caregivers, understanding friends and supportive family members.
Yes, awareness is important. A supportive environment can make all the difference in how parents incorporate this loss, this precious child, into their lives in a healthy manner.

Why Have an Awareness Month?
Because life, even the tiniest life, is special
Because life, even the tiniest life, must be remembered
Because parents want to remember.

I want to take this time to remember my 3 babies. I will never forget the joy I felt when I found out I was pregnant. A life was growing inside me. I created a life with my husband. What an amazing feeling it was. Sadly, the feeling didn't last. My first miscarriage was at 5 weeks. Our second miscarriage was a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks and the last one was a blighten ovum. To this day I have not forgotten my three blessings. My three miracles I created with my husband. I am a mom, to 3 beautiful angels.


http://www.october15th.com/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ

Friday, October 2, 2009

Relaxation

Why is relaxation so good for us?
1) Restores our energy.
We often forget that we have a limited amount of energy to expend, and push ourselves beyond that threshold daily. However, in order to keep generating more energy, we need to let our bodies rest. Think of energy like the fuel you put into your vehicle. If you don't keep refilling the tank, the car will eventually stop. Our bodies are the same way. Just by making a point to sit and do nothing periodically and get enough sleep each night, we allow our batteries to recharge and we generate more energy we can then devote to our work and recreational activities.
2) Repairs our bodies.
Our bodies are designed to repair themselves from the daily wear and tear we impose on them, and this most often happens while we rest. Most of us tend to skimp on our sleep time and push ourselves beyond our physical limits every day, which prevents us from achieving optimal health and wellness. If we are constantly on the move and not getting enough sleep, we are using most of the energy we have to keep going. That means our bodies cannot devote enough energy to healing and we suffer from fatigue or illness. By granting ourselves time to rest, we are allowing our bodies the opportunity to direct our energy to healing and restoration. Another important consideration is to eat lightly before resting, because digestion of heavy meals requires a lot of energy too. By eating small, light meals of nutritious food, we not only give our bodies a break from the intense work of digestion (which leaves more energy for healing and repair work), we also provide more energy in the form of quality fuel, which can also be used to create better health.
3) Calms our thoughts and improves focus.
Just as we tend to push our bodies past their limits, our minds are constantly on the move too. Ask anyone who has an intellectually demanding job - heavy thinking can be just as draining as physical exertion. Excessive worry can also wear us down, as can constant mental chatter or any kind of mental strain. When we set aside time to relax, we should also focus on quieting our thoughts and letting our minds rest. This can often be more restorative than the physical aspects of relaxation. Another great effect is that our calm mental state improves concentration and allows us to focus better.
4) Lifts our mood.
Relaxation can also help us to feel happier. Whether we let our thoughts drift aimlessly, read a good book, or listen to soothing music, just the act of resting relieves stress and allows us to feel content. We can even take a more proactive role in improving our mood during periods of rest and enhance the effect. Rather than letting our thoughts drift aimlessly, we can choose to think about things that make us feel happy, like our loved ones, friends, or pets. We can call up warm memories of good times, or imagine a beautiful sunset. Remember that our thoughts usually determine our mood. If we think happy thoughts, we feel happy.
5) Stimulates our creativity.
Creativity is one of those things that gets stronger the more we focus on it, but stress and busyness disconnect us from the creative potential within us. When we finally stop rushing and set aside our worries, we create a harmonious forum for our creativity to flourish. This happens for a few reasons: First, we are not so distracted by external stimulus and can hear ourselves think again. We're more open to creative insights. Secondly, inactivity allows us to feel more connected with our inner selves, which is the source of our creative energy. And finally, creativity is a form of ENERGY, which we naturally have more of when we rest and relax.
Though it may seem counterproductive to set aside time to relax in the midst of a busy schedule, doing so can actually help us to increase our productivity, accomplish more in less time, and feel happier overall. Sounds good to me!

I have been doing some relaxation techniques. I feel they have helped me tremendously. Before I get ready for work I put on my ipod and I have some relaxation music on. I try to picture my body getting relaxed, me in a beautiful place, and my uterus excepting a healthy pregnancy.

When I drive to work I listen classical music for about 15 minutes. I do some deep breathing exercises and let myself listen to the beautiful music. Deep breathing is great for you. It releases toxins in your lungs. I look at the trees and the sky and feel very relaxed and blessed. I am alive, I am healthy, and I will be a mom. I sometimes cry because the music moves me.For the remainder of my commute I listen to books on CD. The voices are very soothing and nice to listen to.

I think its very important to use some techniques to let the body relax and stay calm. I remember with my last pregnancy I was so anxious and nervous my chest hurt. I bet that wasn't good for the baby or myself.

When I get pregnant again I am going to try to relax and enjoy every moment. I think with these relaxation techniques it will be very helpful to me.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Fall Decorations

















Some outside fall decorations. Pottery Barn was my inspiration.


Talking with my uterus

Yes you read that right. I did the Body Dialogue with my therapist last night. As I explained before in my previous post, Body Dialogue is a process in which you are guided into a deeply relaxed state and into a dialogue with the part of their body that needs healing. In my case,my reproductive organs. In that dialogue, the person connects with and listens to the wisdom of the body and what it needs to heal. I actually talked with my reproductive organs and asked them what they need from me.
She said I did very well. It was a very different experience.
What I got from it is that I need to relax more. Maybe do some relaxation and yoga. I am going to really try to do yoga 4 times a week. I have not been good at doing it lately and I really want to make an effort and commit myself to do this. I think this is what I need.

I also got crystal healing stones. The Pregnancy/Birthing Set includes the following genuine crystals:

* Green Moss Agate is a birthing crystal that lessens the physical pain of birth and ensures a good delivery. This is also a stone of new beginnings.
* Nephrite Jade assists with fertility and childbirth.
* Moonstone helps the reproductive system and is an excellent stone for conception, pregnancy, childbirth, and breast feeding. It also provides significant aid during the birthing process.
* Unakite treats the reproductive system and aids healthy pregnancy.
* Blue Chalcedony is used by Mothers to increase lactation, and it also fosters the maternal instinct.Quartz Crystal reduces physical and mental restlessness during pregnancy, and redirects positive energy in the right direction.

I am not sure if it works but I feel its well worth a try. I really want to go for the more spiritual approach and do everything in my power to conceive and carry a healthy baby to term.

I honestly believe your mind is so powerful. If you think and believe things will work out, they will.

I saw a new RE today. He was fabulous and I am so happy I found him. He said something to me that really stuck in my mind. He said this is tough what you went and what you are going through. 50% of marriages end in divorce without these problems. When this is thrown in the equation the number goes up to 70%. If you and your husband can get through this then you are better than all of us. You marriage will be so much stronger. He said you will also appreciate what you have more. A baby and a great marriage. Which is true. He said he is certain and confident that I will have a baby.

I have to have that as my goal. I will have a great marriage and we will get through this together and we will have a beautiful healthy baby someday... and oh my what a precious gift it will be.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Interesting article and new direction I will be going in.

I decided I needed to see a therapist. I have been feeling very overwhelmed, depressed and I have been having a lot of anxiety lately. I went to see her last night. She is a marriage and family therapist and also a Reiki master.
She gave me an article she wrote (see below) and I have to say I find it very interesting. We are going to do the Body Dialogue next week. Body Dialogue is a process in which she will guide me into a deeply relaxed state and into a dialogue with the part of their body that needs healing, in my case my reproductive organs. In that dialogue, the person connects with and listens to the wisdom of the body and what it needs to heal. I will be "talking” to my reproductive organs and asking them what they need from me. OK, I know what you are thinking I have totally lost it. But reading that article I think our minds and bodies need to work together. I want to have a baby and be pregnant but my body doesn't want to get pregnant and have a baby. I need for my mind in body to be in sync with each other. I told her that I feel my body is just rejecting being pregnant. It’s not lasting more that 6 weeks. She then said that we need to definitely need to try this. I might also look into the Reiki if this doesn't work. I also need to get back into my Fertility yoga. I have been slacking in the working out department. I am just too tired at night, aka depressed. I need to work through this all and get back on track. I think it will help me mentally and physically.


Here is the interesting article.

Enhancing Fertility with Reiki and Mind/Body TechniquesBy Ulrike Dettling, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Reiki Master Teacher
We have seen tremendous changes in the recent past regarding new fertility technology, the changing roles of women in society, environmental changes affecting both men and women (and animals) and their reproductive functioning, childbearing at a later age for many women, new opportunities for lesbian women to bear and raise children with or without the use of reproductive technology, international adoption etc. etc. This article cannot possibly address all those changes and factors affecting fertility. Nor can it address all the psychological issues a couple is faced with struggling with fertility(1). The focus of this article is to present a program of mind/body techniques and Reiki which I have developed in my practice to support women/couples in their quest to become parents.An estimated 25 % or more of all pregnancies naturally end in miscarriage. 1 in 4 women experiences miscarriage, 1 in 300 women experiences 3 or more miscarriages in a row (Laura Mosedale, "Miscarriage: The Silent Loss" in: Child, June 1993, p. 85) The loss of miscarriage has been a taboo and generally the woman/couple do not receive the same kind of social support they would, nor are there the same kind of societal rituals, as when a death of a loved one in the family had occurred, even though a miscarriage is an equally devastating loss to the couple(2). Often there has been shame or stigma around issues of infertility and thus silence. Many couples do not disclose their struggles around fertility even to close friends and family members. Many marriages are pushed to the brink, when fertility issues arise. A lot of the tension for the couple stems from the lack of emotional support around this issue and the ongoing emotional ups and downs of the cycle of hope and despair, as the couple is trying to conceive and carry a pregnancy to term.I developed this program in my attempt to help women/couples with the stresses of the struggle with fertility. My intention was to help these women/couples cope with the stresses, to relax and find peace, to deal with the trauma of multiple losses, the grief, the cycles of hope and despair, the emotional ups and downs due to hormonal changes, the anxiety and distrust in one's own body that comes from unsuccessfully trying to conceive and carry a pregnancy to term, the self-blame.I am no medical expert in fertility issues. I learned a lot from my clients about the different medical options and procedures as well as from doing some reading and research on my own. I worked with the tools that I have at my disposal: counseling skills, mind/body techniques, hypnotherapy and Reiki (a form of energy healing that is deeply relaxing and removes trauma from the cellular consciousness in the body(3). A few years later, I found confirmation of the approach that I had been using with clients in Niravi Payne's book The Language of Fertility. Ms. Payne, a psychotherapist, had developed a holistic approach to fertility called the Whole Person Fertility Program(TM).According to the R.L.Vandenbergh study, women who had suffered from recurring miscarriages who worked in psychotherapy to express their anger directly rather than contain it in their bodies had a success rate of 80% for maintaining subsequent pregnancies. The women in the study, who did not enter into therapy, had a success rate of only 6%. (C. Northrup, Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom, NY: Bantam Books 1994, p. 363) Like Niravi Payne, I believe that clients can benefit from this work greatly, even if it doesn't lead to the birth of a child. Learning to cope with the stressors of the struggle with fertility in itself is a great gift to these highly-stressed couples. Finding other ways of having children in one's life, opening up other possibilities, surrendering, developing one's own creativity(4) can be helpful to the couple that's stuck in a vicious cycle of desperate attempts to get pregnant and loss.Given the number of clients I have worked with regarding fertility issues (maybe 20-30) since 1998 and the uniqueness of their situations, I cannot give out any meaningful statistics or generalize from my experience. Some clients come for just one or two sessions, and I may never see or hear from them again, or I may hear a year later that they gave birth to their child; others come on a regular basis for treatments or learn how to treat themselves with Reiki and self-hypnosis. Looking back on my experiences with clients, I realize that more treatments do not necessarily mean greater success. In some cases, all it took to conceive and carry a healthy pregnancy to term was one session or a healing crystal.My clients included women undergoing IUI, IVF and egg donor procedures; lesbian couples; women suffering from endometriosis; painful, debilitating periods; ectopic pregnancies; repeated miscarriages; 'unexplained infertility'; scar tissue in fallopian tubes; low FSH; thyroid dysfunction; depression; women whose partner's sperm count was too low; women experiencing 2ndary infertility(5). Some of these women were using acupuncture, herbs, homeopathy, nutrition, exercise as complementary healing modalities. Some women/couples were participating in mind/body programs for infertility at hospitals, support groups, individual or couples psychotherapy. The age range was between 30-45. There are too many variables to present any conclusive research evidence, apart from the fact, that there was no control group.To protect clients' confidentiality I have changed identifying information. Clients have given me permission to share their stories in public.The first client was a psychotherapy client who had been suffering from severe endometriosis. She had had surgery, but developed the endometriosis again a few months later. She was afraid of having another (unsuccessful) surgery and not being able to bear children. I offered to do the Body Dialogue with her, a process in which I guide the person into a deeply relaxed state and into a dialogue with the part of their body that needs healing. In that dialogue, the person connects with and listens to the wisdom of the body and what it needs to heal(6). After just one session of Body Dialogue, the endometriosis disappeared and the person is now the biological mother of a happy 2 1/2 yr. old.Another, lesbian client who suffered from endometriosis (for which she had had surgery), severely debilitating painful periods and clinical depression became the mother of twins with the help of reproductive technology, the use of a relaxation tape and supportive psychotherapy.With both these psychotherapy clients, I could not integrate Reiki as a treatment modality(7).Even more stunning were the results of two other cases, one from my own experience, one from the experience of a trusted Reiki Master colleague. Both of us had superiors in our work places (in one instance a program director at a hospital, in the other the CEO of a big corporation) who had been through years of unsuccessful IVF treatments, unable to maintain the pregnancies of the implanted embryos. These two high-powered women were quite distressed and feeling out of control about their inability to carry a pregnancy to term. As it was not appropriate for us to do touch therapy with these two women, what we offered them instead was an egg-shaped crystal as a symbol of fertility charged with Reiki III healing energy. Both of us advised these two executives to hold on to this crystal and receive its healing energy whenever they felt anxious or distressed about their pregnancy, which they did quite frequently, in staff meetings, at the office, at the hospital, at doctors visits, at home, wherever they went. In both cases, for the first time in years, the women maintained their pregnancy and gave birth to a healthy child. There had been no other complementary intervention, in addition to the regular medical IVF treatments that they had been undergoing, than the healing crystal.The cases described above made me wonder whether the healing power of the subconscious mind and Reiki are underutilized in the treatment of infertility. The following case history convinced me that the subconscious/body mind (in conjunction with Reiki) can supercede medical diagnoses and interventions.This woman had been referred to me by acolleague, who had prior experience helping a client ovulate and conceive using energy healing.(8) She believed that I would be able to help this client with Reiki. During the intake, the client revealed a long history of unsuccessful IVF treatments over the last 2 years, 7 miscarriages and a life-threatening ectopic pregnancy. Both allopathic and holistic doctors had told this 40 yr. old woman that she would not be able to conceive naturally, as her left fallopian tube had been removed after the ectopic pregnancy and her right ovary had become atrophied and dysfunctional. This client had a poor prognosis of conceiving and giving birth without IVF. She had utilized mind/body programs at the hospital, meditation, self-hypnosis tapes, group support and the like prior to her session with me. When she came to me, she was at the end of her rope, severely traumatized and discouraged from the losses and medical interventions. It affected her entire life, the relationship to her daughter, her husband, her family, friends, medical professionals, with her self and her own body. She was determined to have another child, but she was now shaking going into the IVF treatments - the trauma was lodged deeply in her body and her psyche.This woman had come to me as a last resort. I wasn't sure I'd be able to help her have another child, but trusted that we would find out by doing the Body Dialogue: listening to what her body had to tell her.During the Body Dialogue, to our mutual surprise, her right ovary told her to stop the hormones and IVF treatments, to trust that it could help her conceive naturally and carry a healthy pregnancy to term. I told the woman to sit with this information from her subconscious mind and not make any rash decisions. In my hands-on Reiki work with her, I sensed that the left and right ovary showed an imbalance(9).The woman decided after the session, on her own, despite her doctors' predictions, to stop all the hormones and IVF treatments and to try to conceive naturally. During this time, she came for weekly Reiki treatments and learned how to do self-Reiki. Together we developed visualizations to help her conceive and carry a healthy pregnancy to term, leading to the birth of a healthy child. She listened to the relaxation/healing tape(10) and visualized her pregnancy in 3 steps and did self-Reiki twice a day, while lying down with her daughter for a nap and before going to sleep at night. During our Reiki sessions, we also worked with the mental/emotional healing process using affirmations pertaining to her situation. I also believe that a lot of emotional release on the cellular level occurred during those sessions. Within a short period of time, the woman calmed down, was able to relax and became more optimistic. She got back in touch with her spirituality and practiced prayer according to her spiritual tradition. After a few Reiki treatments, I sensed that her ovaries balanced out and that her right ovary was getting stronger. Within only 2 months, she became pregnant. Now it was a matter of sustaining this pregnancy through the first trimester and to full term, as she had a history of repeated miscarriages. We continued to do weekly Reiki sessions, bi-daily self-hypnosis/visualization and self-Reiki. The client also used the egg-shaped crystal charged with Reiki energy.After the first trimester(11), we phased out the Reiki treatments to once a month till the end of the pregnancy, when the client gave birth to a full-term, healthy baby girl. I gave the client one more Reiki session at home after birth and got to hold the beautiful new born "Reiki baby" as we affectionately called her.Since then I have been helping numerous women/couples in their struggle with fertility with mind/body techniques and Reiki. I work with some women outside the Boston area over the phone, guiding them through the Body Dialogue and preparing a customized self-hypnosis tape that helps them relax and visualize their pregnancy. They may or may not see a Reiki practitioner in their area for hands-on treatments.My treatment protocol is customized based on the needs of each individual client. In addition, I often suggest individual, couples psychotherapy and support groups. Reiki and hypnotherapy are adjunct therapies, not substitutes for psychological or medical care where that is needed.For more information or to schedule an appointment, please contact Ulrike Dettling at (781)648-9334 or www.arlingtonreiki.com1. See Niravi Payne's book, The Language of Fertility, NY: Harmony Books, 1997.2. According to research by L.G. Peppers and R.J. Knapp, there is no difference in the intensity or patterns of grief among women who experienced a miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death. Dr. J. Sher states that losing a pregnancy equals losing a child, an anticipated child and that scientifically, i.e. hormonally, maternal feelings are strongest in early pregnancy. See Niravi Payne, ibid., p. 189.3. It is believed in energy healing that traumatic memories are stored in the cellular consciousness of the body. Reiki releases trauma from the cellular memory of the body without the person having to consciously relive or remember the traumatic experience. See Libby Barnett et al, Reiki Energy Medicine, Healing Arts Press, Rochester, VT, 1996. Also see my article on Reiki as Adjunct Treatment for Depression in: Arlington Reiki News, 19984. In energy healing, it is believed that the sacral chakra (energy center) which corresponds with your reproductive organs signifies both fertility and creativity.5. Of all couples with fertility problems, 60% experience 2ndary reproductive problems. This populations is invisible and the most emotionally isolated. See Felicia Halpert, "When You Can't Conceive Again" in: Parents Magazine, Sept 94, p. 29.6. I learned about the Body Dialogue in my training with Peggy Huddleston on how to conduct Prepare for Surgery, Heal Faster (TM) workshops. See Peggy Huddleston, Prepare for Surgery, Heal Faster, Angel River Press, Cambridge, 1996. I have developed this Body Dialogue further in my practice for uses with non-surgery clients.7. In the Code of Ethics, psychotherapists do not have permission to touch their clients.8. See “Energy Works Miracles” by Iris Stammberger in: Arlington Reiki News, Summer 1998.9. Reiki practitioners do not diagnose, perform or interfere with medical treatment. What I am describing here is an intuitive sensing while doing Reiki. Practicing Reiki enhances one's intuition.10. see above Peggy Huddleston, relaxation audiotape.11. The majority of miscarriages occur in the first trimester. See Niravi Payne, ibid, p. 189.

Ulrike Dettling Kalthofer M.A., L.M.F.T.
Arlington Reiki Associates
366 Mass Ave #304
Arlington, MA 02474(781)648-9334
email: Detkal@aol.comwww.arlingtonreiki.com

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

2 year anniversary


I can’t believe it’s been 2 years since I married my soul mate and my best friend. The time flew by. I remember the day so perfectly. I have never been so happy. I wish I could marry him all over again. I had so many hopes and dreams. Little did I know what was ahead and what we would go through. I have to say all the obstacles we did have has made our marriage stronger. We had to lean on each other more. I found out in these last two years how very lucky I am to have my husband.

Monday, August 17, 2009

A second opinion

My brother emailed me and said please go to Brigham and Womans. So I called a Maternal-Fetal Doctor at Brigham's. The nurse there was super nice and talked with me for about 15 minutes. She said I should see a Reproductive Endocrinologist which I do now but she said I should go to the Fertility clinic there. She said the maternal fetal doctor is for someone who has late losses, incomplete cervix, etc. She said it sounds more to me like the progesterone is the problem. I asked her if its possible that if my chromosomes are fine and my husbands are, when you put them together could they not be OK? She said no. If there is nothing wrong with both ours then it should be fine. So I felt a little better about that.

So I called over to the Fertility Clinic there and I have appointment on Sept 2nd. I just need a second opinion. Her name is Dr. Elena Yanushpolsky and she is the Director of Reproductive Surgery.

I am keeping my appointment with my RE I have now on September 4th. I guess I will pick who has the better plan for me and sounds like they know what to do. So I will make my decision after I see them both who I want to stick with.

Then when I get pregnant I will go to a high risk OB/GYN. I might go to Brigham's for that too.

I just really need some answers. I can't except someone telling me it just happens sometimes. There has to be some reasons and I am determined on getting to the bottom of it.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Natural miscarriage

I thought a couple of days ago I was starting to miscarry because I had spotting. Well I miscarried yesterday. Almost 2 weeks after it was discovered. I am happy that it was natural and there was no complications. I really didn't want a d&c.
I left work early because I decided to go get a pedicure. Well there was a very pregnant lady there. I just stared at her belly. I was so jealous and envious of her. How lucky she was. Did she know how lucky she was?
I started getting very bad pains in my left side and then very bad cramps. As I was driving home, not to be graphic, but I could feel it pour out of me. I live an hour away from work. So it was the worst drive of my life. I couldn't get home fast enough. Of course I hit tons of traffic. By the time I got home I was a mess. Then it slowed down and I just had awful cramps. I am just really glad it went natural. I just kept crying when I was driving home. Why me? Why is this happening to me again? Why three miscarriages?
My main focus now is just to rest. I am anemic and do get dizzy from the loss of blood. So I am laying low this weekend.
My focus next week is to find a doctor who specializes in miscarriages and who can give me some answers. My doctor now is like, oh lets try this, it could be this. That is not good enough for me. I need some answers.
To doctors, I am just another patient. Its no big deal for them. To me all three were my babies. I fell in love with all of them the minute I knew I was pregnant. Even though the last one was a blighten ovum, meaning no baby, just an empty sac. I still feel it as a loss.
People and doctors say to me, "you have been this before" and "we know you can get pregnant". Does that make it more easy on me? Trust me its worse. Yes I have been through this before. No it does not make it easier on me. It scares me to death now. Am I ever going to have a healthy baby? Or am I just going to keep on having miscarriages?

Is the woman who used to pretend she was a mommy when she was little, always loved babies and loved to babysit as a teenager, loved being with her nieces and nephew and just dreamed of having her own and couldn't wait for the day to be a mom, is this ever going to happen for her?

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Miscarriage number 3

I am going to keep this brief. I started to miscarry my 3rd yesterday. Words can't describe how I feel. I feel like a failure and I can't believe God would be this cruel. I prayed and prayed that the doctors were wrong and that it wasn't a blighten ovum and they just couldn't see it because of my tilted uterus. It didn't work. My faith is again tested. Why would God be this cruel. Why give babies to parents who don't want them, but for two people who want to be parents more than anything they put us through this.
I am home because I am not sure how I am going to bleed. I have a fear that it will be like last time and I will hemorrhage again. So I am just staying home to relax and wait it out.
I have an ultrasound that they want me to keep on the 21st. I see the RE for a followup on September 3rd to go over our plan of attack.
I am at a loss with this all. After all my testing I thought I got a handle on everything and this time things would be different. I had faith and hope all would workout but instead I am back here in the same place I was 13 months ago. It took me a year to pregnant and now its gone.
I fear that my husbands chromosomes and mine just don't mesh good together. What do you then? I am going to ask to test that. They tested our chromosomes separately, but I want them to put them together somehow.
I feel like this is a trial and error. Well lets see if this works, oh no it didn't lets try this. There has to be a reason why this keeps on happening to me.
Is it because I workout? Is my heart rate just getting to high? I have no idea. Its just so sad. Me being a mom seems so far away....

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Faith, hope or denial?

I do not know if its hope and faith I have or I am in complete denial. I decided to the wait and see approach. I have done alot of research online and came across this website.

http://www.misdiagnosedmiscarriage.com/mycommunity/viewtopic.php?p=88633

After reading these stories and my sister told me a story about a woman she knows. They told her there was nothing there. She didn't do anything and then later they found a heartbeat. Also on another board I go to a lady emailed me and that happened to her sister. At 6 weeks, she had slight spotting, and went in for an u/s. The doctor couldn't see much, and had her come back in a week. Her HCG numbers continued to rise.At 7 weeks, they still couldn't see anything and the doctors came to the same conclusion as yours, that it must be a blighted ovum. She had a D&C a few days later.She continued to feel kinda crappy, and finally the doctor had her come in for a blood draw to run some tests. Her HCG levels were through the roof. Now they suspected a molar pregnancy, which, as I understand it, means something continues to grow, but not a baby...almost like a tumor - and can be dangerous if not dealt with.So they brought her in for an ultrasound, and guess what was in there?? a baby. yes, a live, kicking fetus, that somehow survived the D&C. So they screwed up twice - once, telling her there was no baby, when clearly they were wrong, and 2, obviously they didn't do the D&C correctly, as here was this baby, which appeared fine, alive and heart beating in her uterus.But when she went back at 16 weeks for her regular checkup, the baby had no more heartbeat. No one can prove it, but they can't help but be certain that going through the D&C must of hurt the fetus and eventually caused its demise. They did do testing on the tissue and the baby had no known chromosomal issues.

I also came across this story. now its very freaky because the dates are exactly like mine. it was in 2007.

"Now here I am 4 years later. I am pregnant again and I know exactly when I conceived( July 1). I had a sonogram at 7 weeks 1 day (Aug. 8) from my last period (June 18). The doctor said my sac looked like I was five weeks pregnant and he couldn't see anything in it. He said that would be normal for five weeks and maybe my dates were off. I knew they weren't so I left feeling hopeless and upset. The only hope I felt was that my son looked 6 weeks when he was 8 weeks so maybe that was happening again but this time I didn't have the reassurance of a heartbeat. We tested my HcG levels and they went from 3,284 to 3,611 in two days. I knew that wasn't supposed to be good but at least they went up. My progesterone level was 8 when it is supposed to be around 20. So I was very worried but I started to feel a lot more hopeful after I found this website and started reading all the misdiagnosed stories. I am very thankful that this site exists and that God led me here. I also have a friend that was told she had a blighted ovum early on and 3 weeks later they did a sonogram and found the heartbeat. She now has a healthy baby girl. Yesterday (Aug. 16) I went to the doctor for another sonogram (8 days after the first). After seeing my HcG #'s the doctor didn't seem hopeful. He started the vaginal ultrasound and I could see a baby in the sac and I saw what I believe to be the heartbeat. The doctor says "Well we may have a surprise here. " The baby measured 6weeks and 2 days. The doc said he wasn't totally sure that what we saw was not my heartbeat because it was so close to my heart rate. But that there was a significant change in the right direction from the last ultrasound. I will have another ultrasound on Wed. Aug. 22. I feel very hopeful and a little worried which is probably why I am up writing this at 4 in the morning but I have a tremendous Faith in God. No matter what happens I know that he knows what is best for our family and he has a perfect plan for us. Many times I have looked back on my life and wondered why did I worry so much about finding the right man or if I would have children because God is in control and he has the perfect plan for us. He is much wiser than we are and he wants the best for us. Of course my hearts desire right now is that this baby is healthy and will join our family. But I am thankful for all that he has given me and I feel so blessed."

So after hearing all these stories I am going to let my body do it on its own. If this is going to miscarry it will. I can't cautiously have a d&c with my numbers going up and knowing these stories. Also I don't want a d&c. I scarred with my last one. I am just going wait and see. I have been reading that with a tilted uterus you make look 1 to 2 weeks behind also.

The doctor called me today. She is not to hopeful. She said the blood work should be higher. She said I can certainly wait and see. I will have another ultrasound the week of the 17th. I said my body is going to know what to do.
She said the one thing she can say is that my progesterone was low when I first had my blood work. they increased my progesterone. She said maybe you should of been on a higher dose from the start. it would help with implantation, etc. So I am going to wait and if that week there is nothing there I will know for sure that its a blighten ovum.

My sister in laws friend kept on having miscarriages. She went to a specialist. He said what are you doing and put her on bedrest. She has two children. Should I not workout from the start? I might go and see him.

My emotions are a roller coaster. In the back of mind I know its not a viable pregnancy. But I cant help thinking I need to have faith that a miracle will happen. Miracles do happen sometimes right? Maybe I will get one. Maybe my grandparents looking down on me and my two babies in heaven will make sure this miracle happens.

I was meant to be a mom. I wont give up trying. I wont lose my faith. I felt like it was a miracle I was finally pregnant after a year. I cant give up on my miracle without a proper fight.

Thank you for your well wishes, thoughts, prayers and good wishes. Please continue to pray for my husband and I and for this little one that I hope and pray I am carrying.

I am updated this post....
My ultrasound is scheduled for August 21st. My husbands birthday. Is this a sign? Could this be good luck? Will our miracle happen then.
Please pray for us that it will.

With much love,
Suzanne

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Prayers were not enough

I just got back from my ultrasound. There was no heart beat, no yolk sac no fetal pole. They said at almost 7 weeks we should of seen something. They are going to give me another ultrasound Friday or Monday but I know there will be nothing there.I have had every kind of miscarriage now. Natural, missed and now a blighted ovum. Why doesn't my body carry a baby. I thought this was different. I was doing everything I could do. I cant even cry anymore. I just right now hate my body.I think we are going to do IVF next. In a way I just want to give up and say hey my body just doesn't want to carry a baby.

Thank you all for your prayers.

Much love,
Suzanne

Monday, August 3, 2009

The power of prayer

I am asking for some prayers for the next couple of days. I went this morning for blood work and tomorrow we have an ultrasound. Hopefully my betas will still rise and tomorrow we can see the baby on the ultrasound.
As I was driving home from the blood work going to work. I just cried and prayed. I talked to the baby, though I know he/she can't hear me, I still did. I asked the baby to please be strong and try to grow big and strong. I told the baby that mommy loves you so much and will do anything for him/she to be alright. I promised I will do everything in my power to protect him/her and to please let me be its mommy. I asked God to please protect this baby and please let him/she grow.

I am just so scared that my numbers aren't rising as fast as they should and that I was measuring a week behind that the baby stopped developing that week. I pray I am wrong.I pray all will be ok. I am trying to have faith that I wont lose another child.

I found this prayer on the computer. I am not very religious, but right now I am hoping God will answer my prayers. I am a good person and feel I was put on earth to be a mom. I hope and pray I am given a chance.

O Lord Jesus Christ, through the intercession of Your tender Mother, Our Lady of La Leche, who bore You close to her heart during those long months before Your birth, I place my baby and myself entirely in Your Hands. Free me, I beseech You, from useless and consuming worry. Accept the sacrifice of my aches and pains, which I unite to Your sufferings on the Cross. Above all, most merciful and loving Jesus, protect this child You have given to me from all harm, bestowing the health and vigor every baby needs. Implant in my heart and on my lips the words and prayers of Your Mother and mine, our Lovely Lady of La Leche. All this I ask that my child and I may live to praise forever Your Holy Name

Dear Baby,
I love you so much already. Please grow and stay with mommy. I will protect you always.
Please just give me a chance.
Love,
Mommy

Sunday, August 2, 2009

We need some prayers

Yesterday when I was working out I got this very bad pain on my right side. I had to stop. I called the RE nurse and she said that she didn't do ultrasounds on the weekend and ifs bad go to the ER. Well it was. I went to the ER. They gave me an ultrasound and they only saw a sac in the uterus and I measured a week behind. they saw no fetal pole. I had something on my right side. they said it could me ectopic or a cyst. My HCG levels were 3750 or so. I became very tearful when the ER doctor thought that maybe I was miscarring. She said the OB/GYN is coming in and he told me not to touch you.
So the doctor came in. OMG he was the nicest man. He looked like Bill Cosby. He said that he thought that I have a cyst on my right side and when I worked out I aggravated it. He said by the way... why are you working out. He said I wouldn't have one of my patients workout that has had fertility drugs. He said you worked so hard to get pregnant why do anything to possibly harm it. He was an old school Doctor. My levels are fine and he said but the IUI was 4 weeks ago... that would be right. I said but I thought they go my LMP. He said not always. He said but I still cant rule out ectopic. I need some more blood work to go on. Because my last blood draw before this was 2 weeks ago at 686. He said that he wanted to have me stay in the hospital for observation and because my ob/gyn was in another hospital they were transferring me. He gave me hope. He said he thought we need to wait this out. He thinks I am early and that we might see something in a week or so on the ultrasound. He said that we need to have hope and patience.
So I went to the other hospital. I couldn't eat all day because I might have surgery. I had another ultrasound and blood work. That tech saw no cyst but some fluid in my uterus and the HCG went up to 4080. So they think the cyst ruptured and they want to monitor me with blood work today and then every other day. They let me go home and I am home now. I came home last night.
I am very scared. I have an ultrasound on Tuesday still with the RE.
I just need some prayers that the ruptured cyst doesn't cause any problems and that my numbers rise and we see something Tuesday to give us more hope.
I am taking my ticker down for now. I just don't know where we stand or how far along I am.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

My numbers are rising and some updates!

I have been getting blood tests to test the HCG. When I first tested with a home pregnancy test and got a positive I called my RE. I was supposed to come in for blood work on a Thursday but she said I could come in on the Wednesday instead. A day sooner was good enough for me. So at 13 days past the IUI I went in for the blood work. The nurse calls back that afternoon. My HSG was 51.8 and my progesterone was 10.8. She said the progesterone was a little low. They like to see it in the teens. She advised me to take more progesterone. Instead of once a day I am now on 200 mg three times a day (600mg).
She wanted me in on Friday, at 15 days past IUI. My HCG went to 136 and progesterone was 15. I was happy the numbers went up.
My last test was on Tuesday which was 19 days past IUI, the number soared to 686 and the progesterone is at 14.7.
The nurse called me on Tuesday and said all looked good so far. I have an ultrasound scheduled for August 4th and then I meet with the nurse practitioner. If all looks great with that then they release me to my OB/GYN. I can’t wait to go see him. I really like him a lot. He said he would also watch me more closely and give me a lot of blood tests and ultrasounds to make sure my HCG is rising.

I am a little scared that for 2 weeks I wont be monitored. I have to be honest, I am so happy I am pregnant but a big part of me so very scared. I am expecting to go to the bathroom and see blood. I know I should think positive and I am trying to but it’s so hard.
Then I have it at the back of my mind what happened last time. I went for almost 12 weeks thinking all was great and baby was great when it died at 6 weeks. That is still in my mind and I am so afraid that will happen again.
I also decided to stop teaching spinning. It was kind of a no brainier. My husband begged me to stop. I also felt that that was not what I needed to do right now. I was reading that if you have had miscarriages before you should not do strenuous exercise. That stuck in my mind. So for now I am just walking, lifting light weights, and I want to start doing a prenatal yoga DVD I have. To be honest I only have the energy to just walk on my lunch hour. I say when I get home I will lift weights and do a prenatal yoga DVD. I have just been exhausted and I am usually in bed by 7 pm.

Speaking of symptoms my major ones are starving if I don’t eat every 3 to 4 hours. I wake up in the morning famished. Exhaustion is the huge one. I can sleep all day if I could. I also get vivid dreams at night. I don’t know why this is one of my major symptoms. When I get them I know I am pregnant. Maybe its because I am in such a deep sleep. Lastly, bloat! I am so bloated. After I eat my belly swells up!

I am taking one day at time. That’s all I can do. I can't think about the months ahead. I can't get excited that I will be a mom in March. I can only think about today. I am doing all I can to keep this baby safe. I am eating right and getting enough rest. I am listening to my body more. When I am tired I go to sleep, when I am too tired to workout I don’t. Today I am pregnant and love my baby is my motto. I pray every night that all will be OK with this baby. This is the miracle we wished for and prayed for, for so long.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Our prayers have been answered!

I am cautiously happy to report that I am pregnant.
I am in shock still and very scared. I want to be put in a bubble for 9 months. I had my blood work today and the nurse called me with my results. My HCG was 51.8 and the progesterone was 10.8.
They said the progesterone was a little low. They like to see that number in the teens. They want me to increase my progesterone to 3 times a day. So that's 600mg.
I guess my body doesn't produce enough. It really makes me wonder about my other two pregnancies. If its low now and I am already taking 200 mg of progesterone, how was it before when I wasn't taking anything. I don't think I will ever know.
I am going back Friday and hopefully the HCG numbers will double. Next week I am going to see if the progesterone is going up.
I am so happy that they are monitoring me very closely. I feel so good about this pregnancy. They know about the MTHFR mutation and I am on folic acid to correct this. I am also on baby aspirins. I think we will be OK.
Its been a long road. Its been 13 months since my last miscarriage. I never thought I would be here saying I am pregnant. I was losing hope but I said I did it before I can do it again. I definitely think the Clomid, Ovidrel shot and the IUI did the trick. I am thankful I went to the Reproductive Science Center. I never would of known of these problems and I don't think I would of gotten pregnant on my own.

I decided to give up teaching spinning. I was teaching two days a week. I decided I needed to do this. I know it didn't cause my miscarriages, but do we really know? I was reading in one of my books that after someone has had miscarriages they shouldn't do any strenuous exercise when they get pregnant again.
I just want to be safe and do everything in my power to keep this baby safe. My baby comes first. My husband also has begged me to stop. I need to respect his wishes. Its was his babies he lost too. If it will make him feel better then its something I need to do.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I just hope this is it.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Moving on to the next step.

I wanted to update you on a few things and tell you what our next step is.

First off, let me tell you that as of May Blue Cross Blue Shield changed their criteria for infertility treatments. It used to be that you had to try for a year and if you had a miscarriage you had to wait another year because they saw those pregnancies as “success”. As of May, you just have to be trying for a year. It doesn’t matter if you had a miscarriage. I found this out when I went to the RE at the Reproductive Center.

On Tuesday I tested and got a negative. I just knew my period was coming. I called the Reproductive Center and ask if I could see my RE to discuss what my next step was. She didn’t have anything available until the end of July. I didn’t want to sit this cycle out so I asked if I could see anyone sooner. She gave me an appointment on Thursday with someone new. We went yesterday and as we were in the waiting room I got my period.

So we met with the RE, Dr K. She said why did you switch, you were seeing Dr.G and she gave you so many tests and she even gave you surgery, what happened? I told her that when I called she couldn’t see me until July. She said oh she probably could of moved things around if she knew what was happening. But I told her it didn’t matter who I saw I just wanted to move on to the next step.

So Dr. K was going over my tests and she said you have had a lot of tests done. She said the MTHFR gene mutation that I have could of caused my miscarriages. I am taking extra folid acid for this. She said on you are on baby aspirin and progesterone and its been a year trying on your own with no luck. She said she thought it was definitely time for the next step. She said we can either do Clomid and IUI or she said we could actually do IVF. I said no lets do IUI with clomid. I said I just got my period and she said lets do this cycle. So we met with the team nurse and she is going through everything. She said call us when your period comes. I said it just did. She said oh I dont think we can do it this cycle, they just put the paperwork in for the insurance and it takes 2 weeks for an approval. I lost it! I just cried. She said let me go to financial services and see what we can do. They put rush on it and my 3 day ultrasound and clomid , and ovidrel shot that I need to take are covered anyways. So hopefully the insurance will ok it by the IUI time.

Last night when I came home the pharmacy called me. They said I would need to start Clomid on Monday I need to get this prescription on Friday. They said they would call me back after they talked to my health insurance. They called back in 10 minutes with the ok. So we are all set.

I never thought it would come to this. I asked Dr. K why could I get pregnant so fast and now no luck. She said she sees it alot. Stress, your hormones change from cycle to cycle, it could be anything. They really don’t know. Unexplained infertility. I am just really happy that we are going this route this cycle.