Friday, December 18, 2009


I have experienced many feelings in this journey. Some feelings repeat themselves. Sadness, anger, happiness, disappointment, jealously, hopelessness, guilt, and fear to just name a few. I am struggling with fear. I am so afraid that I will never experience a full term pregnancy and never have a child. As I was driving to work I was thinking of one of my cousins who got induced yesterday. Will I ever experience that? Will I ever get to experience the miracle of giving birth?

I received my box of medications in the mail last week. I have all the medications I need to hopefully fulfill this dream. It was a bit overwhelming, but I knew it would all help me.
I already started birth control pills. It seems so weird to be on them. I am starting Lupron on Decemeber 28th.

My goal is just to get through Christmas. Its so very hard. Last year was tough and now this year its hard again. I went to the mall one day and it just hurts seeing moms and dads pushing baby carriages and standing in line waiting to take a picture with Santa. As my husband and I were decorating the tree I couldn't help but think another Christmas without a son or daughter. It just doesn't seem fair. I would give anything to be able to put a stocking in between my husbands and mine. My fears come into play. I fear I will never get to do this.

I have to have faith that this 2010 will be our year. Good things will happen to us. I will be able to put my fears aside and will experience the feeling of happiness and excitement.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas.

"Remember, if Christmas isn't found in your heart, you won't find it under a tree." ~ Charlotte Carpenter.

1 comment:

Mamabear7 said...

You are not alone with those feelings. Christmas was really tough for us too. Its just not where I thought or hoped I'd be. Good luck with your upcoming cycle.