Saturday, August 15, 2009

Natural miscarriage

I thought a couple of days ago I was starting to miscarry because I had spotting. Well I miscarried yesterday. Almost 2 weeks after it was discovered. I am happy that it was natural and there was no complications. I really didn't want a d&c.
I left work early because I decided to go get a pedicure. Well there was a very pregnant lady there. I just stared at her belly. I was so jealous and envious of her. How lucky she was. Did she know how lucky she was?
I started getting very bad pains in my left side and then very bad cramps. As I was driving home, not to be graphic, but I could feel it pour out of me. I live an hour away from work. So it was the worst drive of my life. I couldn't get home fast enough. Of course I hit tons of traffic. By the time I got home I was a mess. Then it slowed down and I just had awful cramps. I am just really glad it went natural. I just kept crying when I was driving home. Why me? Why is this happening to me again? Why three miscarriages?
My main focus now is just to rest. I am anemic and do get dizzy from the loss of blood. So I am laying low this weekend.
My focus next week is to find a doctor who specializes in miscarriages and who can give me some answers. My doctor now is like, oh lets try this, it could be this. That is not good enough for me. I need some answers.
To doctors, I am just another patient. Its no big deal for them. To me all three were my babies. I fell in love with all of them the minute I knew I was pregnant. Even though the last one was a blighten ovum, meaning no baby, just an empty sac. I still feel it as a loss.
People and doctors say to me, "you have been this before" and "we know you can get pregnant". Does that make it more easy on me? Trust me its worse. Yes I have been through this before. No it does not make it easier on me. It scares me to death now. Am I ever going to have a healthy baby? Or am I just going to keep on having miscarriages?

Is the woman who used to pretend she was a mommy when she was little, always loved babies and loved to babysit as a teenager, loved being with her nieces and nephew and just dreamed of having her own and couldn't wait for the day to be a mom, is this ever going to happen for her?


Amy said...

First let me say, I am so sorry for your losses. I'm new to reading your blog and to the PL board on The bump. I just had my first miscarriage yesterday and have been searching for other people who know how I feel. I'm glad to have stumbled upon your blog, but so sad for you to have to go through this again. ((HUGS))

Kristin (kekis) said...

Oh, Suzanne. I wish I would have been there to drive you home and hold your hand along the way. That drive had to be awful, and I'm sorry you were alone.

After you are feeling better, please start searching for a specialist. There is an answer as to why you are dealing with RPL. There has to be. We have to educate ourselves and be proactive in our own care and treatment. Doctors just don't seem to know enough about recurrent loss to help us, so hopefully we can learn enough to help them help us.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, Suz. Please let me know if you need to talk.