I have a visitor.

Many months I wish she never showed up. I usually pray she stays far away. But this month I couldn't wait for her to come. Yes you guessed it, my Aunt Flo aka menstrual cycle. My poor husband doesn't even know how to respond anymore. I told him that I finally got my period, his response, "Is that good or bad". Poor guy.

I feel like I am moving to a new chapter in my journey. Its a whole new world my therapist says. Yes, I do see a therapist and I find it very helpful. Through this whole journey I have been having to deal with so many feelings. Its been a roller coaster that I needed to get a handle on. I go to a place that deals with the mind and body. They have therapist, nutritionist, yoga and acupuncture.

What I like about the therapist is her patients are all dealing with infertility. She really knows where I am coming from. I have learned I need to get my body healthy to obtain a pregnancy. I was exercising at a high intensity level, 6 to 7 days a week, 2 to 3 hours a day, and I wasn't eating very well. Sometimes I would eat just two meals a day. I would constantly count calories and weigh myself every day. That's where the nutritionist came into play. I knew in the back of my mind that I had a problem. I felt like I was spiraling out of control. My body image was completely distorted. I always thought I was fat, was always on a diet, and I needed to workout everyday. I was diagnosed with having an eating disorder.

As I look back on my life I can pretty much say it has been going on for a very long time. In my early teens I remember always being on a diet and working out, in my 20's I would take diet pills and again workout to the extreme. The eating disorder resurfaced before my wedding and then resurfaced again after my first miscarriage. I felt this was the only way I could have control of my body. When I miscarried I had no control, I couldn't prevent it or stop it. This was the only way I could control it. Its been a secret I have been dealing with and it felt really good to get it off my chest. Although I am ashamed and have not told my family, just my husband, I feel like I am on my way to recovery. Its a long road and I have to retrain my minds thinking. I can't eat out in restaurants because it gets me very nervous. I don't know how they make the food and the not knowing the calories really sets me off.

When I look back on when I was pregnant, I would be very scared about gaining weight. I would gain weight very fast because I would eat better and add carbs to my diet. This used to make be very nervous. I would go on the scale every day and get so upset. I have so much guilt. Did I cause my miscarriages because my body didn't like gaining weight.
I am still dealing with that part of guilt.

I had a realization a couple of weeks ago. I was sitting with my therapist and I told her we decided to do IVF. I said I have 2 months to get on track. I need to do it now! She said do you think you can do it? I said yes, I want to be a mom more than anything.

My workouts are now just walking, not getting my heart rate above 130 for 30 minutes, strength training with low weights and yoga. I think the yoga has helped out tremendously. Its quiets my mind and lets me relax. Fertility yoga is my favorite.

Now with Aunt Flo here we are moving to the next step. Its a two month process. This month I am on birth control pills to shrink cysts I have on my ovaries and prevent new ones from forming, then next month is the IVF.

I know I have alot of work to do. I see my therapist every other week now and the nutritionist every month. I also have to do alot of work on my own. This is the only body I have. I cant trade it in for a new one and I really need to have it be as healthy as it can be. I need to make it a safe place for a baby.

I urge you to talk to someone if you need to. Don't be ashamed or feel that you can deal with things on your own. You are not weak, you are in fact strong. This whole process is very hard to deal with, emotionally and sometimes physically. Most fertility centers offer therapists to talk to. Here are a few websites I found helpful.

http://www.fertilityneighborhood.com/

www.resolve.org/

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/



I wish you all well in your journeys to motherhood. You are not alone.

Namaste.