Monday, October 26, 2009


Some days are worse than others. Reminders are constantly around me. I feel like I am going down a downward spiral and I am trying to catch my breath. I have to say that all this is the worst thing I have ever had to endure in my life.
This weekend I did rather well. I have been listening to self-help books. Dr.Weil’s Breathing techniques and Dr Wayne Dyer on positive thinking. Yesterday I spent the day with my husband going on a long walk, cooking, and having a nice Sunday dinner together. It really was a good day.
This morning I woke up very depressed and just very down on what has been going on. I had a meeting today at work. It was a small meeting this one man, woman and me. We are all sitting at this table and the woman was pregnant. I asked when she was due and she said March 18th. My last pregnancy was due March 25th. It was like a stab in the heart. I should have had the cute little belly she had. All through the meeting I kept on looking at her belly. I was so jealous of her. It’s so hard to try to breath and try to think positive. How can you when you have to encounter constant reminders that you are not pregnant. You were but they got taking away from you. It just a lot to handle.
I cant tell you how many things I get in the mail no matter how many times I tell them to take me off the mailing list. I got a catalog on all first birthday things. I would have had a one-year on November 4 th. I should be picking out Halloween costumes for my little ones.
Instead I am still childless and I am not pregnant. It’s so very hard and I am trying to get through this one day at a time. But I think of how much time as gone already.

My favorite saying and what I keep on repeating to myself is, “A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step."by Lao Tzu.

How many miles do I have to go to become a mother?

1 comment:

Kristin (kekis) said...

I wish I knew how to answer your question. I'm not sure how many miles it will be, but know that I'm walking them all with you. Hoping our journey becomes a glorious one soon.