Monday, December 29, 2008

A New Year

I hope 2009 brings us better luck and we have no more heartaches. I am looking forward to the new year. I am trying to be positive that 2009 is our year. That we will have our miracle baby. As I look back and reflect on 2008 I see some happy times but they are followed by really sad times. I got pregnant in February 2008, my best friend had a baby in February of 2008, sadly I miscarried in March of 2008, then I got pregnant in April of 2008, May of 2008 I got to see our baby and see the beautiful heartbeat on the ultrasound screen, but then again miscarried in June of 2008, we welcomed a new nephew in June of 2008, we celebrated our 1st year wedding anniversary in September of 2008, and we bought a house in November of 2008.
With all these heartaches, one thing remained the same, I love my husband so very much. My husband has been my rock. I wouldn't have made it through this year without him. We have gotten closer. We have endured so much that we just thank god that we have each other. When we got married a year ago we vowed to be there for each other for better or for worse. I think we have had enough worse. I am hoping 2009 brings us those better times.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Finding the Christmas spirit

I am housebound today as slow is falling, again. We are going to get a foot or more where I live. Today I decided I am going to read, watch a Christmas movie and wrap my Christmas gifts. On the TV the Nutcracker is on and I can hear the beautiful music from the kitchen. I went shopping last night and finished my shopping. I stopped by at Macy's like I do every year to get a couple of new Christmas ornaments. I found a couple that I liked and I then found two angels. One is for Baby November and the other is for Baby January. Our two angels.
I am excited to give my gifts to my nieces and nephew. They always seem to put a smile on my face.
As the snow is falling outside and music plays in the background, I am slowly getting my Christmas spirit back.
I am trying to stay positve and think that next Christmas I will have a little one with me. I will buy a Baby's First Christmas ornament. I will have my dreams come true.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Some days are worse than others.

I have good days and bad days now.
I came home from work Tuesday night. My husband and I were going to go out to get our Christmas tree. I have not been in the spirit, but I want a tree in our family room.

Before we were leaving, my husband said to me that he needed to tell me something. He said, I want to be the one to tell you and you will find out sooner or later. I said what! Friends of our is 3 months pregnant. I couldn't help but cry. I want to be happy for them, but its so hard!

He said he was so sorry. He said it felt so weird when his friend told him. He was all excited he heard the heartbeat, saw the baby on the ultrasound, etc. My husband said he felt sad because he never got to do that with our baby. He then went on to say that his friends wife is happy that the baby is due in June because she wants a summer baby. Her sister wishes her son was born a little later so he would have a summer birthday.

Seriously? I said what difference does it make. They are having a baby! Do people really know how lucky they are? They nit pick on what months to have the baby? I don't understand some people. I wouldn't mind if I had a baby in January, March, September, or August. As long as the baby is healthy. It turned out to be a bad day.

Today was another bad day. I decided to do some shopping on my lunch hour at Toys R Us. Bad idea. Right when I walked in the store I knew I made a mistake. I was so overwhelmed with seeing mothers with their babies, moms and dads buying toys for their little ones, and don't forget of course I couldn't help but see the baby section with diapers, car seats, and cribs. It was all to much. I just walked around in a daze and had no what to buy. I just wanted to get out of there. I should of been buying presents for our little one. I called my husband crying. He said he will do the shopping for me not to worry about it. He is the best. I am so lucky I have him.

I still feel every day is a struggle and I feel I am just so sensitive. My heart has a huge hole in it. Do moms and dads know how lucky they are? Kiss your sons and daughters, you are so lucky you have them.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

There should of been three

I put some Christmas decorations up last Saturday. I was buzzing around our new house adding some Christmas cheer in every room. Trying to get myself in the holiday mood. I enjoy decorating. I love to put on Christmas music while I decorate. My job every year has always been to do the Christmas candle lights in the windows growing up. I even went to my parents house last year and put them up for my parents. This year my spirit is a little dim.

As I made it to our living room I put our stockings up on the mantle. I couldn't help but get sad and overwhelmed. There should of been three stockings on our mantle this year. Sadly, there are still only two. I remember when I found out I was pregnant the first time I was so excited. I used to say to my husband, "Just think for Christmas we are going to have a one and half month old! It will be so much fun! Three babies will be at your parents for Christmas Eve and at my parents house my little nieces and nephew will just be so excited that there will be Auntie Sue's baby to play with!"

I can't help but think how my life should of been so different than what it is now. I should of had a one and half month old baby. I am not buying plush baby toys, a Baby's 1st Christmas ornament for the tree, Baby's First Christmas bib, or a cute little Christmas outfit. I am not having my brother take the baby's picture so I can make Christmas cards and send them to all our friends and family to introduce our precious little one. I am not signing our Christmas cards Love Always, Pasquale, Suzanne and Baby....

Instead I am left with the questions of why. Why is my life not how I planned it to be? Why was one baby taking away, why was I blessed again by being pregnant for the most glorious 11 weeks , 5 days of my life, only to have lost that precious baby also? Along with my spirit my faith is also dim. My faith in God is somewhat challenged. I can't help but be angry with him. Why is God playing this mean trick on me? That's what I feel it is. He gave me a little taste of what being an expectant mom feels like. He gave me all together a little over 3 months of maternal bliss. I was able to experience the pure joy of pregnancy. I felt so alive, so unbelievably happy, so in love with my precious gifts. I used to glow. I used to never feel alone. I had my gift with me at all times. During rides to work I would think of how great my life is. I have an unbelievable loving husband, he is my best friend and soul mate and we are going to have a baby. I used to think how many woman get to find their soul mate and marry them and now I am blessed with being pregnant. I am finally going to be a mom! I have dreamed about this life since I was a little girl. When I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I never said doctor or lawyer, I always simply said, I want to be a wife and a mother.

My husband wants the old Suzanne back. The one that had so much life and spirit. I don't blame him. I want her back too. As much as I try to be that woman he married, I just can't. My life changed on two days I will never forget. March 15th and June 16th. Those are the days when my hopes, dreams, and faith rapidly diminished. Those are the days my spirit went dim.
With Christmas rapidly approaching I have some mixed feelings brewing inside me. I am not looking forward to shopping in the mall and seeing the babies in the strollers being pushed by their lucky moms. I am not looking forward to seeing moms and dads holding their babies standing in line waiting for pictures with Santa. I will try to be strong and think that my day will come. I will soon be in that line and I will push that carriage some day. All hope is not lost. I am looking forward as always Christmas with my family. I always love to spending time with my family and my precious nieces and nephews. I am looking forward and love the many traditions that we have. At my parents house we are all together. Santa shows as always like he did when I was little and hands out our gifts. I love watching my nieces and nephew open their presents. I always feel pure joy when they open my gifts to them. They look up at me and with their wonderful, beautiful faces they say,"Thank you Auntie!!! You are the best!"
My husband and I then drive down the street to my in laws. About 30 or more people are there. All his cousins, aunts and uncles are there. We then all go in the living room and sit around and have a sing a long of Christmas songs. It truly is special.

On Christmas and Christmas day I will be thinking of my little ones. I will think that I wish I had one in my arms or I wish I was pregnant waiting for our baby's arrival. I will always love my precious angels. I will never forget them. I will one day have more spirit and faith. My light will grow bright again, the day I finally hold my son or daughter.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Two great books

I thought I would share some great books I am currently reading and hearing. Yes I said hearing! I love to read. I used to buy book but it got to be silly to have all these books and I only read them once. When I got married I moved to Andover,MA. They have a great library. I have an account and I just request books and they email me when the books come in. If that library doesn't have it they get it from another library. I really love this library and I have not switched yet since the move to my new house. SHH don't tell anyone...

I gave in and requested Twilight from the library. As I was there to pick it up. I skimmed through some books on cd. I now have an hour commute to work now and I thought it would be perfect to make the time pass by more quickly. I love music and I am always listening to it, but during my hour ride in the morning to work and home at night its so nice to escape in another world of a book. I am enjoying both Twilight, the book I am reading and The Beach House, the book I am listening to. Twilight by Stephenie Meyer, I decided to read when my husbands cousin said she loved the series and then with the movie out I thought I would give it a try. I think its so fun to read books that are movies. I always read the book first and then see the movie to see what they kept in, what they took out,etc. I always seem to think the book is always better. So I am almost done with Twilight. Its nothing I am used to reading. Especially since the character is in high school and is in love with a vampire. Its a good read and so different. I recommend anyone to read it. You will enjoy it too.

The book I am listening to is The Beach House by Jane Green. I am enjoying this one immensely too. It takes place in Nantucket, MA. Its fun to hear the author talk about Boston, New York, and the Cape. I find myself excited to get in my car and drive to work so I am hear whats happening with the book. My husband and I went to Moghegan Sun on Saturday for a concert. Its a 2 hour drive for us. I put the book on and he was actually getting into it too. I did the driving coming home and thank god I had that to keep me company. My husband was fast asleep.

So if you have a long commute I suggest you try a book on cd. It really helps the commute.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

We moved!

I feel like I have been out of touch. We moved into our new home a week ago Friday. We closed on the condo and the house in the same day. What a day. That weekend our parents came up and helped us clean and unpack. I am all unpacked. It really feels like our home. We have some painting to do, we are tiling the kitchen and my husband cut down some trees. We finally have cable and Internet. They came today. Thank god. In all honesty we haven't really missed the TV. We have been doing some many things we haven't had time to miss the TV. Tonight I am going to catch up on all my favorite shows. Law and Order and The Biggest Loser. I can hardly wait!