Monday, August 17, 2009

A second opinion

My brother emailed me and said please go to Brigham and Womans. So I called a Maternal-Fetal Doctor at Brigham's. The nurse there was super nice and talked with me for about 15 minutes. She said I should see a Reproductive Endocrinologist which I do now but she said I should go to the Fertility clinic there. She said the maternal fetal doctor is for someone who has late losses, incomplete cervix, etc. She said it sounds more to me like the progesterone is the problem. I asked her if its possible that if my chromosomes are fine and my husbands are, when you put them together could they not be OK? She said no. If there is nothing wrong with both ours then it should be fine. So I felt a little better about that.

So I called over to the Fertility Clinic there and I have appointment on Sept 2nd. I just need a second opinion. Her name is Dr. Elena Yanushpolsky and she is the Director of Reproductive Surgery.

I am keeping my appointment with my RE I have now on September 4th. I guess I will pick who has the better plan for me and sounds like they know what to do. So I will make my decision after I see them both who I want to stick with.

Then when I get pregnant I will go to a high risk OB/GYN. I might go to Brigham's for that too.

I just really need some answers. I can't except someone telling me it just happens sometimes. There has to be some reasons and I am determined on getting to the bottom of it.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Natural miscarriage

I thought a couple of days ago I was starting to miscarry because I had spotting. Well I miscarried yesterday. Almost 2 weeks after it was discovered. I am happy that it was natural and there was no complications. I really didn't want a d&c.
I left work early because I decided to go get a pedicure. Well there was a very pregnant lady there. I just stared at her belly. I was so jealous and envious of her. How lucky she was. Did she know how lucky she was?
I started getting very bad pains in my left side and then very bad cramps. As I was driving home, not to be graphic, but I could feel it pour out of me. I live an hour away from work. So it was the worst drive of my life. I couldn't get home fast enough. Of course I hit tons of traffic. By the time I got home I was a mess. Then it slowed down and I just had awful cramps. I am just really glad it went natural. I just kept crying when I was driving home. Why me? Why is this happening to me again? Why three miscarriages?
My main focus now is just to rest. I am anemic and do get dizzy from the loss of blood. So I am laying low this weekend.
My focus next week is to find a doctor who specializes in miscarriages and who can give me some answers. My doctor now is like, oh lets try this, it could be this. That is not good enough for me. I need some answers.
To doctors, I am just another patient. Its no big deal for them. To me all three were my babies. I fell in love with all of them the minute I knew I was pregnant. Even though the last one was a blighten ovum, meaning no baby, just an empty sac. I still feel it as a loss.
People and doctors say to me, "you have been this before" and "we know you can get pregnant". Does that make it more easy on me? Trust me its worse. Yes I have been through this before. No it does not make it easier on me. It scares me to death now. Am I ever going to have a healthy baby? Or am I just going to keep on having miscarriages?

Is the woman who used to pretend she was a mommy when she was little, always loved babies and loved to babysit as a teenager, loved being with her nieces and nephew and just dreamed of having her own and couldn't wait for the day to be a mom, is this ever going to happen for her?

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Miscarriage number 3

I am going to keep this brief. I started to miscarry my 3rd yesterday. Words can't describe how I feel. I feel like a failure and I can't believe God would be this cruel. I prayed and prayed that the doctors were wrong and that it wasn't a blighten ovum and they just couldn't see it because of my tilted uterus. It didn't work. My faith is again tested. Why would God be this cruel. Why give babies to parents who don't want them, but for two people who want to be parents more than anything they put us through this.
I am home because I am not sure how I am going to bleed. I have a fear that it will be like last time and I will hemorrhage again. So I am just staying home to relax and wait it out.
I have an ultrasound that they want me to keep on the 21st. I see the RE for a followup on September 3rd to go over our plan of attack.
I am at a loss with this all. After all my testing I thought I got a handle on everything and this time things would be different. I had faith and hope all would workout but instead I am back here in the same place I was 13 months ago. It took me a year to pregnant and now its gone.
I fear that my husbands chromosomes and mine just don't mesh good together. What do you then? I am going to ask to test that. They tested our chromosomes separately, but I want them to put them together somehow.
I feel like this is a trial and error. Well lets see if this works, oh no it didn't lets try this. There has to be a reason why this keeps on happening to me.
Is it because I workout? Is my heart rate just getting to high? I have no idea. Its just so sad. Me being a mom seems so far away....

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Faith, hope or denial?

I do not know if its hope and faith I have or I am in complete denial. I decided to the wait and see approach. I have done alot of research online and came across this website.

After reading these stories and my sister told me a story about a woman she knows. They told her there was nothing there. She didn't do anything and then later they found a heartbeat. Also on another board I go to a lady emailed me and that happened to her sister. At 6 weeks, she had slight spotting, and went in for an u/s. The doctor couldn't see much, and had her come back in a week. Her HCG numbers continued to rise.At 7 weeks, they still couldn't see anything and the doctors came to the same conclusion as yours, that it must be a blighted ovum. She had a D&C a few days later.She continued to feel kinda crappy, and finally the doctor had her come in for a blood draw to run some tests. Her HCG levels were through the roof. Now they suspected a molar pregnancy, which, as I understand it, means something continues to grow, but not a baby...almost like a tumor - and can be dangerous if not dealt with.So they brought her in for an ultrasound, and guess what was in there?? a baby. yes, a live, kicking fetus, that somehow survived the D&C. So they screwed up twice - once, telling her there was no baby, when clearly they were wrong, and 2, obviously they didn't do the D&C correctly, as here was this baby, which appeared fine, alive and heart beating in her uterus.But when she went back at 16 weeks for her regular checkup, the baby had no more heartbeat. No one can prove it, but they can't help but be certain that going through the D&C must of hurt the fetus and eventually caused its demise. They did do testing on the tissue and the baby had no known chromosomal issues.

I also came across this story. now its very freaky because the dates are exactly like mine. it was in 2007.

"Now here I am 4 years later. I am pregnant again and I know exactly when I conceived( July 1). I had a sonogram at 7 weeks 1 day (Aug. 8) from my last period (June 18). The doctor said my sac looked like I was five weeks pregnant and he couldn't see anything in it. He said that would be normal for five weeks and maybe my dates were off. I knew they weren't so I left feeling hopeless and upset. The only hope I felt was that my son looked 6 weeks when he was 8 weeks so maybe that was happening again but this time I didn't have the reassurance of a heartbeat. We tested my HcG levels and they went from 3,284 to 3,611 in two days. I knew that wasn't supposed to be good but at least they went up. My progesterone level was 8 when it is supposed to be around 20. So I was very worried but I started to feel a lot more hopeful after I found this website and started reading all the misdiagnosed stories. I am very thankful that this site exists and that God led me here. I also have a friend that was told she had a blighted ovum early on and 3 weeks later they did a sonogram and found the heartbeat. She now has a healthy baby girl. Yesterday (Aug. 16) I went to the doctor for another sonogram (8 days after the first). After seeing my HcG #'s the doctor didn't seem hopeful. He started the vaginal ultrasound and I could see a baby in the sac and I saw what I believe to be the heartbeat. The doctor says "Well we may have a surprise here. " The baby measured 6weeks and 2 days. The doc said he wasn't totally sure that what we saw was not my heartbeat because it was so close to my heart rate. But that there was a significant change in the right direction from the last ultrasound. I will have another ultrasound on Wed. Aug. 22. I feel very hopeful and a little worried which is probably why I am up writing this at 4 in the morning but I have a tremendous Faith in God. No matter what happens I know that he knows what is best for our family and he has a perfect plan for us. Many times I have looked back on my life and wondered why did I worry so much about finding the right man or if I would have children because God is in control and he has the perfect plan for us. He is much wiser than we are and he wants the best for us. Of course my hearts desire right now is that this baby is healthy and will join our family. But I am thankful for all that he has given me and I feel so blessed."

So after hearing all these stories I am going to let my body do it on its own. If this is going to miscarry it will. I can't cautiously have a d&c with my numbers going up and knowing these stories. Also I don't want a d&c. I scarred with my last one. I am just going wait and see. I have been reading that with a tilted uterus you make look 1 to 2 weeks behind also.

The doctor called me today. She is not to hopeful. She said the blood work should be higher. She said I can certainly wait and see. I will have another ultrasound the week of the 17th. I said my body is going to know what to do.
She said the one thing she can say is that my progesterone was low when I first had my blood work. they increased my progesterone. She said maybe you should of been on a higher dose from the start. it would help with implantation, etc. So I am going to wait and if that week there is nothing there I will know for sure that its a blighten ovum.

My sister in laws friend kept on having miscarriages. She went to a specialist. He said what are you doing and put her on bedrest. She has two children. Should I not workout from the start? I might go and see him.

My emotions are a roller coaster. In the back of mind I know its not a viable pregnancy. But I cant help thinking I need to have faith that a miracle will happen. Miracles do happen sometimes right? Maybe I will get one. Maybe my grandparents looking down on me and my two babies in heaven will make sure this miracle happens.

I was meant to be a mom. I wont give up trying. I wont lose my faith. I felt like it was a miracle I was finally pregnant after a year. I cant give up on my miracle without a proper fight.

Thank you for your well wishes, thoughts, prayers and good wishes. Please continue to pray for my husband and I and for this little one that I hope and pray I am carrying.

I am updated this post....
My ultrasound is scheduled for August 21st. My husbands birthday. Is this a sign? Could this be good luck? Will our miracle happen then.
Please pray for us that it will.

With much love,

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Prayers were not enough

I just got back from my ultrasound. There was no heart beat, no yolk sac no fetal pole. They said at almost 7 weeks we should of seen something. They are going to give me another ultrasound Friday or Monday but I know there will be nothing there.I have had every kind of miscarriage now. Natural, missed and now a blighted ovum. Why doesn't my body carry a baby. I thought this was different. I was doing everything I could do. I cant even cry anymore. I just right now hate my body.I think we are going to do IVF next. In a way I just want to give up and say hey my body just doesn't want to carry a baby.

Thank you all for your prayers.

Much love,

Monday, August 3, 2009

The power of prayer

I am asking for some prayers for the next couple of days. I went this morning for blood work and tomorrow we have an ultrasound. Hopefully my betas will still rise and tomorrow we can see the baby on the ultrasound.
As I was driving home from the blood work going to work. I just cried and prayed. I talked to the baby, though I know he/she can't hear me, I still did. I asked the baby to please be strong and try to grow big and strong. I told the baby that mommy loves you so much and will do anything for him/she to be alright. I promised I will do everything in my power to protect him/her and to please let me be its mommy. I asked God to please protect this baby and please let him/she grow.

I am just so scared that my numbers aren't rising as fast as they should and that I was measuring a week behind that the baby stopped developing that week. I pray I am wrong.I pray all will be ok. I am trying to have faith that I wont lose another child.

I found this prayer on the computer. I am not very religious, but right now I am hoping God will answer my prayers. I am a good person and feel I was put on earth to be a mom. I hope and pray I am given a chance.

O Lord Jesus Christ, through the intercession of Your tender Mother, Our Lady of La Leche, who bore You close to her heart during those long months before Your birth, I place my baby and myself entirely in Your Hands. Free me, I beseech You, from useless and consuming worry. Accept the sacrifice of my aches and pains, which I unite to Your sufferings on the Cross. Above all, most merciful and loving Jesus, protect this child You have given to me from all harm, bestowing the health and vigor every baby needs. Implant in my heart and on my lips the words and prayers of Your Mother and mine, our Lovely Lady of La Leche. All this I ask that my child and I may live to praise forever Your Holy Name

Dear Baby,
I love you so much already. Please grow and stay with mommy. I will protect you always.
Please just give me a chance.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

We need some prayers

Yesterday when I was working out I got this very bad pain on my right side. I had to stop. I called the RE nurse and she said that she didn't do ultrasounds on the weekend and ifs bad go to the ER. Well it was. I went to the ER. They gave me an ultrasound and they only saw a sac in the uterus and I measured a week behind. they saw no fetal pole. I had something on my right side. they said it could me ectopic or a cyst. My HCG levels were 3750 or so. I became very tearful when the ER doctor thought that maybe I was miscarring. She said the OB/GYN is coming in and he told me not to touch you.
So the doctor came in. OMG he was the nicest man. He looked like Bill Cosby. He said that he thought that I have a cyst on my right side and when I worked out I aggravated it. He said by the way... why are you working out. He said I wouldn't have one of my patients workout that has had fertility drugs. He said you worked so hard to get pregnant why do anything to possibly harm it. He was an old school Doctor. My levels are fine and he said but the IUI was 4 weeks ago... that would be right. I said but I thought they go my LMP. He said not always. He said but I still cant rule out ectopic. I need some more blood work to go on. Because my last blood draw before this was 2 weeks ago at 686. He said that he wanted to have me stay in the hospital for observation and because my ob/gyn was in another hospital they were transferring me. He gave me hope. He said he thought we need to wait this out. He thinks I am early and that we might see something in a week or so on the ultrasound. He said that we need to have hope and patience.
So I went to the other hospital. I couldn't eat all day because I might have surgery. I had another ultrasound and blood work. That tech saw no cyst but some fluid in my uterus and the HCG went up to 4080. So they think the cyst ruptured and they want to monitor me with blood work today and then every other day. They let me go home and I am home now. I came home last night.
I am very scared. I have an ultrasound on Tuesday still with the RE.
I just need some prayers that the ruptured cyst doesn't cause any problems and that my numbers rise and we see something Tuesday to give us more hope.
I am taking my ticker down for now. I just don't know where we stand or how far along I am.