A New Year

I hope 2009 brings us better luck and we have no more heartaches. I am looking forward to the new year. I am trying to be positive that 2009 is our year. That we will have our miracle baby. As I look back and reflect on 2008 I see some happy times but they are followed by really sad times. I got pregnant in February 2008, my best friend had a baby in February of 2008, sadly I miscarried in March of 2008, then I got pregnant in April of 2008, May of 2008 I got to see our baby and see the beautiful heartbeat on the ultrasound screen, but then again miscarried in June of 2008, we welcomed a new nephew in June of 2008, we celebrated our 1st year wedding anniversary in September of 2008, and we bought a house in November of 2008.
With all these heartaches, one thing remained the same, I love my husband so very much. My husband has been my rock. I wouldn't have made it through this year without him. We have gotten closer. We have endured so much that we just thank god that we have each other. When we got married a year ago we vowed to be there for each other for better or for worse. I think we have had enough worse. I am hoping 2009 brings us those better times.

Finding the Christmas spirit

I am housebound today as slow is falling, again. We are going to get a foot or more where I live. Today I decided I am going to read, watch a Christmas movie and wrap my Christmas gifts. On the TV the Nutcracker is on and I can hear the beautiful music from the kitchen. I went shopping last night and finished my shopping. I stopped by at Macy's like I do every year to get a couple of new Christmas ornaments. I found a couple that I liked and I then found two angels. One is for Baby November and the other is for Baby January. Our two angels.

I am excited to give my gifts to my nieces and nephew. They always seem to put a smile on my face.

As the snow is falling outside and music plays in the background, I am slowly getting my Christmas spirit back.

I am trying to stay positve and think that next Christmas I will have a little one with me. I will buy a Baby's First Christmas ornament. I will have my dreams come true.

Some days are worse than others.

I have good days and bad days now.
I came home from work Tuesday night. My husband and I were going to go out to get our Christmas tree. I have not been in the spirit, but I want a tree in our family room.

Before we were leaving, my husband said to me that he needed to tell me something. He said, I want to be the one to tell you and you will find out sooner or later. I said what! Friends of our is 3 months pregnant. I couldn't help but cry. I want to be happy for them, but its so hard!

He said he was so sorry. He said it felt so weird when his friend told him. He was all excited he heard the heartbeat, saw the baby on the ultrasound, etc. My husband said he felt sad because he never got to do that with our baby. He then went on to say that his friends wife is happy that the baby is due in June because she wants a summer baby. Her sister wishes her son was born a little later so he would have a summer birthday.

Seriously? I said what difference does it make. They are having a baby! Do people really know how lucky they are? They nit pick on what months to have the baby? I don't understand some people. I wouldn't mind if I had a baby in January, March, September, or August. As long as the baby is healthy. It turned out to be a bad day.

Today was another bad day. I decided to do some shopping on my lunch hour at Toys R Us. Bad idea. Right when I walked in the store I knew I made a mistake. I was so overwhelmed with seeing mothers with their babies, moms and dads buying toys for their little ones, and don't forget of course I couldn't help but see the baby section with diapers, car seats, and cribs. It was all to much. I just walked around in a daze and had no what to buy. I just wanted to get out of there. I should of been buying presents for our little one. I called my husband crying. He said he will do the shopping for me not to worry about it. He is the best. I am so lucky I have him.

I still feel every day is a struggle and I feel I am just so sensitive. My heart has a huge hole in it. Do moms and dads know how lucky they are? Kiss your sons and daughters, you are so lucky you have them.

There should of been three

I put some Christmas decorations up last Saturday. I was buzzing around our new house adding some Christmas cheer in every room. Trying to get myself in the holiday mood. I enjoy decorating. I love to put on Christmas music while I decorate. My job every year has always been to do the Christmas candle lights in the windows growing up. I even went to my parents house last year and put them up for my parents. This year my spirit is a little dim.

As I made it to our living room I put our stockings up on the mantle. I couldn't help but get sad and overwhelmed. There should of been three stockings on our mantle this year. Sadly, there are still only two. I remember when I found out I was pregnant the first time I was so excited. I used to say to my husband, "Just think for Christmas we are going to have a one and half month old! It will be so much fun! Three babies will be at your parents for Christmas Eve and at my parents house my little nieces and nephew will just be so excited that there will be Auntie Sue's baby to play with!"

I can't help but think how my life should of been so different than what it is now. I should of had a one and half month old baby. I am not buying plush baby toys, a Baby's 1st Christmas ornament for the tree, Baby's First Christmas bib, or a cute little Christmas outfit. I am not having my brother take the baby's picture so I can make Christmas cards and send them to all our friends and family to introduce our precious little one. I am not signing our Christmas cards Love Always, Pasquale, Suzanne and Baby....

Instead I am left with the questions of why. Why is my life not how I planned it to be? Why was one baby taking away, why was I blessed again by being pregnant for the most glorious 11 weeks , 5 days of my life, only to have lost that precious baby also? Along with my spirit my faith is also dim. My faith in God is somewhat challenged. I can't help but be angry with him. Why is God playing this mean trick on me? That's what I feel it is. He gave me a little taste of what being an expectant mom feels like. He gave me all together a little over 3 months of maternal bliss. I was able to experience the pure joy of pregnancy. I felt so alive, so unbelievably happy, so in love with my precious gifts. I used to glow. I used to never feel alone. I had my gift with me at all times. During rides to work I would think of how great my life is. I have an unbelievable loving husband, he is my best friend and soul mate and we are going to have a baby. I used to think how many woman get to find their soul mate and marry them and now I am blessed with being pregnant. I am finally going to be a mom! I have dreamed about this life since I was a little girl. When I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I never said doctor or lawyer, I always simply said, I want to be a wife and a mother.

My husband wants the old Suzanne back. The one that had so much life and spirit. I don't blame him. I want her back too. As much as I try to be that woman he married, I just can't. My life changed on two days I will never forget. March 15th and June 16th. Those are the days when my hopes, dreams, and faith rapidly diminished. Those are the days my spirit went dim.
With Christmas rapidly approaching I have some mixed feelings brewing inside me. I am not looking forward to shopping in the mall and seeing the babies in the strollers being pushed by their lucky moms. I am not looking forward to seeing moms and dads holding their babies standing in line waiting for pictures with Santa. I will try to be strong and think that my day will come. I will soon be in that line and I will push that carriage some day. All hope is not lost. I am looking forward as always Christmas with my family. I always love to spending time with my family and my precious nieces and nephews. I am looking forward and love the many traditions that we have. At my parents house we are all together. Santa shows as always like he did when I was little and hands out our gifts. I love watching my nieces and nephew open their presents. I always feel pure joy when they open my gifts to them. They look up at me and with their wonderful, beautiful faces they say,"Thank you Auntie!!! You are the best!"
My husband and I then drive down the street to my in laws. About 30 or more people are there. All his cousins, aunts and uncles are there. We then all go in the living room and sit around and have a sing a long of Christmas songs. It truly is special.

On Christmas and Christmas day I will be thinking of my little ones. I will think that I wish I had one in my arms or I wish I was pregnant waiting for our baby's arrival. I will always love my precious angels. I will never forget them. I will one day have more spirit and faith. My light will grow bright again, the day I finally hold my son or daughter.

Two great books

I thought I would share some great books I am currently reading and hearing. Yes I said hearing! I love to read. I used to buy book but it got to be silly to have all these books and I only read them once. When I got married I moved to Andover,MA. They have a great library. I have an account and I just request books and they email me when the books come in. If that library doesn't have it they get it from another library. I really love this library and I have not switched yet since the move to my new house. SHH don't tell anyone...

I gave in and requested Twilight from the library. As I was there to pick it up. I skimmed through some books on cd. I now have an hour commute to work now and I thought it would be perfect to make the time pass by more quickly. I love music and I am always listening to it, but during my hour ride in the morning to work and home at night its so nice to escape in another world of a book. I am enjoying both Twilight, the book I am reading and The Beach House, the book I am listening to. Twilight by Stephenie Meyer, I decided to read when my husbands cousin said she loved the series and then with the movie out I thought I would give it a try. I think its so fun to read books that are movies. I always read the book first and then see the movie to see what they kept in, what they took out,etc. I always seem to think the book is always better. So I am almost done with Twilight. Its nothing I am used to reading. Especially since the character is in high school and is in love with a vampire. Its a good read and so different. I recommend anyone to read it. You will enjoy it too.

The book I am listening to is The Beach House by Jane Green. I am enjoying this one immensely too. It takes place in Nantucket, MA. Its fun to hear the author talk about Boston, New York, and the Cape. I find myself excited to get in my car and drive to work so I am hear whats happening with the book. My husband and I went to Moghegan Sun on Saturday for a concert. Its a 2 hour drive for us. I put the book on and he was actually getting into it too. I did the driving coming home and thank god I had that to keep me company. My husband was fast asleep.

So if you have a long commute I suggest you try a book on cd. It really helps the commute.

We moved!

I feel like I have been out of touch. We moved into our new home a week ago Friday. We closed on the condo and the house in the same day. What a day. That weekend our parents came up and helped us clean and unpack. I am all unpacked. It really feels like our home. We have some painting to do, we are tiling the kitchen and my husband cut down some trees. We finally have cable and Internet. They came today. Thank god. In all honesty we haven't really missed the TV. We have been doing some many things we haven't had time to miss the TV. Tonight I am going to catch up on all my favorite shows. Law and Order and The Biggest Loser. I can hardly wait!

The Godmother

I am reading this book called The Godmother by Carrie Adams. I decided to read it because I too am a godmother. I am the godmother to 4 of my nieces and my nephew. I am about half way through the book and I am enjoying it very much. Tessa is the main character. There is a part in the book when Tessa's best friend, Claudia, miscarriages. She is with her when it happens. The author describes what happens and it brought back so many feelings and memories. The hemorrhaging in the bathroom, blood everywhere in the bathroom, on her bed, on the carpet. It just made me think of when I miscarried. Everything that happened to Claudia happened to me. She went to the hospital, she had a D&C, etc. Claudia tells Tessa she just feels empty. Tessa describes how she cleaned everything up while Claudia was in the hospital and needed to have it all cleaned up before she got home. How she was scrubbing to get all the blood out. My mom was Tessa. When I was in the hospital my mom came to my house and cleaned everything. It was amazing what she did. I can only imagine the pain she felt when she was doing it. I didn't really think about it till now. Tessa describes how she feels as she is cleaning. The sadness she feels too and how she is just trying to get everything clean so Claudia doesn't have to see it all. When Claudia comes home they describe how she just sleeps. She is on medication to help her sleep and forget about what happened. I wasn't that lucky. They didn't give me some pills to make me sleep and forget about all that happened. I was left with the raw feelings and just making myself sleep to try to forget that I was no longer pregnant.
In the book Claudia's husband Al tells Tessa that he wants to take her away and sell the house and start fresh. No reminders.
I think that is where my husband and I are at. We sold the condo and want to start fresh. The stains are all out in the carpet but the memory is still there for me. I still see bright red on the bathroom floors, on the carpet and in the toilet. I can't help but think that this is where I lost my second baby.
We are packing to move on, start fresh, make happier memories in our new house.
I am looking forward to that. I no longer want to see red.

Reminders...

I have been thinking of my babies lately. Its been kind of tough lately. I am supposed to be big as a house now. Instead my stomach is somewhat flat. It saddens me. I am constantly being reminded that I am not pregnant. On Monday night at the gym I teach at I took a class before I taught my spin class. Right in front of me was a lady, she is due in January. I was due in January too with my second. I just couldn't help but stare at her big round belly and watch her trying to move around on the mat doing leg lifts and stretches. I just kept on thinking, "I should be like that now too." "Why is her baby surviving and mine didn't?" "What did she do differently?"

Then yesterday while packing up my house I was emptying my bureau. In my top drawer was my ultrasound picture. I was 5 weeks, 4 days. My baby died at about 6 weeks. It didn't look like much, just a blob of gum, but it was my baby. The baby's heart was beating then. I wish I could relive that day and the joy I felt watching the little heart beat on the ultrasound screen.
I am trying to stay strong and trying to not dwell on things that can not be, but its so hard. With the holidays approaching its very hard. I think I was supposed to have a baby now or I was supposed to be almost due now.

I feel like there are reminders around me everyday reminding me how I am not having a baby now. How am I supposed to heal if I am constantly being reminded?

We are moving!

We are moving to New Hampshire on the 14Th of November!I am so happy. I feel like this is a good change. I am not completely excited yet. I have been disappointed twice this year and don't want to be disappointed again. So we have been packing and I have kind of kept my mind off of baby making. Hopefully the new house will bring some good luck to our lives. I am thinking this is our chance for something new. Only good things are to come. New house, new doctor, new start.

November 4th

November 4Th came. It is my oldest nieces 11Th birthday, but its also a date I will never forget.

November 4Th was my first estimated date date. I remember telling my niece that the baby was due on her birthday. She was so thrilled and proud that she was going to share her birthday with her Auntie Sue's baby.
When the day came it was a very sad day for me. I took it very hard. I was trying to grasp at the realization that I was supposed to be delivering or getting ready to deliver my first child. My thoughts are all over the place. Why me? Why aren't I big as a house with a beautiful baby belly? Why did God take my two chances of motherhood away from me? I have been a bit depressed lately because of this. I am trying to stay positive but its so hard. My husband just wants his happy wife back. I am trying I really am. It really hurts to see mothers with their babies. Why wasn't I given my chance?

Changing doctors

I decided to change hospitals and doctors. I just felt I needed a change. I had two appointments with two doctors. I wanted to make my decision after meeting them both. One doctor was at Newton-Wellesley. His name is Dr. Lerner. I was reading the book Miscarriage: Why it Happens and How Best to Reduce Your Risks--A Doctor's Guide. I noticed the author was from Newton, MA. I decided to see him. I also saw another doctor who is from Winchester Hospital. I heard of him through my boss's wife who is a labor and delivery nurse there. I asked her who she liked and thought was good. She told me she went to Dr. Dixon. His office is in Stoneham, MA.
I went to see them both. I heard both their plans for me. I really liked them both but I thought Newton-Wellesley was a little to far so I decided to go with Dr. Dixon. He was so nice and he gave me a plan. He said right when I find out I'm pregnant I am to call him. He will then put me on progesterone right away. He said I will have alot of ultrasounds and I will be given blood test every week to make sure my numbers are rising. I felt good about him. We had a plan and I felt very good about him being my doctor.

Are we getting tested?

We started to try to conceive in February 2008. Lucky for us we got pregnant right away. On a Saturday, March 15, 2008, we went out to celebrate us being pregnant. We went to Bertucci’s at the North Shore Mall. I was so concerned that the soda could not have caffeine. We were so happy. I was going on and on about how Ann Taylor Loft had a maternity section there. I couldn't wait to wear maternity clothes. I couldn't wait to grow a big belly. That night we were staying at my in laws because our rugs in our condo were getting cleaned. Being pregnant I could not risk the smell, chemicals, etc. Before I went to sleep I had Pasquale say good night to our little baby. He did and I went to bed. At about 1 am I woke up to go to the bathroom, I was spotting. I called my husbands name and he came in the bathroom. I was so upset. I said I don't have my baby books here is this normal? Pasquale went on the computer and made printouts that some ladies do have spotting. I called my doctor and I was told to come to the ER. I miscarried at exactly 5 weeks. I was so devastated. All my hopes and dreams flew out the window.

We then waited one cycle and I thankfully got pregnant again.
I had an ultrasound at 5 weeks, 4 days. I got to see the heartbeat on the screen. I was so excited. I started to cry and I felt better. This one is different. All will be all right. I took my baby's first picture home with me. I was so proud. I showed my close friends at work. It only looked like a little blob of gum, but that was our baby. I place the picture on my bureau when I got home. I looked at the picture everyday when I was getting ready to go to work.

On a Monday night, June 16, 2008, I came home from teaching a spinning class. I was 11 weeks and 3 days. I went to the bathroom after my shower and I had a spot on the toilet paper. I called the doctor and the covering doctor called me back. He said its probably nothing but why don’t you come in and we can give you an ultrasound. In the car ride there I told Pasquale that I was not going to spin anymore. Maybe I worked out too much. I went to the labor and delivery triage unit and they gave me an ultrasound. The doctor was the nicest man I had ever met. He said I am so sorry, the fetus is about 6 weeks and there is no heartbeat. I was hysterical. How could this be happening again? Why us? Was God really this cruel?
I couldn’t control my sadness. It was so overwhelming. They said I could take pills to make the miscarriage happen naturally or get a D & C. I said I wanted another ultrasound the following day on a better machine. I guess I was in denial. The next day I started to bleed. I knew what was happening. I was miscarrying my second child.
Wednesday night, June 18th, I started getting bad cramps in my back and stomach. I was bleeding like a period. When I woke the following morning I was really bleeding. My husband was at work. An hour went by and I was hemorrhaging. I called the MGH and they said if it’s a pad an hour you need to come in. Well it was more than a pad an hour. I put two on it leaked through. My mom came up right away. I started to feel faint. I knew I couldn’t make it by car. I was bleeding way too much. We called the ambulance. My husband came home just in time and I was brought it to the nearest hospital because I was bleeding way too much and my blood pressure was very high. In the emergency room my pains were worse. The doctor said, Suzanne its like you are giving birth. I was on pain meds. The bleeding was getting worse. My husband was there and my sister came. My parents were there also. I was totally white. I was so out of it. I just wanted to be somewhere else other than where I was. I didn’t want to be coherent to what was going on. I kept on asking for more meds. Please just make me comatose.
The OB/GYN on call came and gave me pills to help it along a little faster. He then said it wasn’t working and I had an emergency D&C. As a result of the operation my lungs filled up with fluid. They said the bottom of my lungs collapsed. When I woke up in the recovery unit I couldn’t breathe. I was wheezing and they heard the fluid in my lungs. So they kept me overnight. They then discovered my blood count dropped to 19. A normal person is in the 39-40’s. I had to have a blood transfusion because of my blood being so low. I passed out in the bathroom and they said you need the transfusion. My blood only rose up to 21,but they did allow me to go home. I was put on iron pills 3 times a day. I couldn't do anything for a while. I got so tired and winded just walking up the stairs. My heart used to beat so fast I felt like it was going to come out of my chest. My doctor said your heart is pumping extra hard because of the lack of blood volume.

I can’t believe this all happened. I am trying to deal with the loss. It’s so hard. Especially thinking all was ok and the baby died at 6 weeks. I feel like such a failure. Every day I was getting stronger, both emotionally and physically. Everyone was so great and supportive. It took about a good couple of weeks to get stronger and feel better physically.
I did end up doing all the testing. Everything thankfully came back all ok. My husband’s chromosomes are fine. I had a hysterosalpingogram (HSG), which is an X-ray test that examines the inside of uterus and fallopian tubes and the surrounding area. All looked normal. So there are no reasons why I miscarried twice. Bad luck is what they tell me. Bad luck? What am I playing a card game? This is my life, my body, and my sweet babies I will never get to hold.
I am thinking positive that I will be a mother some day. My dreams will come true and I will hold my miracle one day.

People say they are in a better place; there was something wrong with them. The best place for them is in my arms. I will never forget my two little angels.

I often wonder, is our marriage being tested? We have been through so much in our first year of marriage and we have stuck together through it all. My husband has been my rock, my shoulder to cry on. I am so happy that I have him to lean on. He gives me strengh when I just want to give up. He says to me that we will get through this. We will have a baby. I have to believe him.

Our Beginning

Hello and welcome to my blog. This is my very first entry. I decided to start a blog because since my wedding there as been so many things that happened to me and my husband.

I will start from the beginning.

My husband and I met online on Match.com almost 3 years ago. After going out with more jerks than I can count on both my hands he emailed me. After emailing a couple of times back and forth I mentioned how I just lost my grandfather 20 days before. He was so sweet and he said how sorry he was and how he understood how I felt. He also was very close to his grandmother. She also lived with his family like my grandparents did. I was very excited that we had so much in common. That night we talked for a couple of hours. We talked about everything. We set up our first date for the following night. It just so happened that our first kiss was on my grandparents anniversary. I like to think my grandfather sent him to me.

I felt so relaxed with him and let him pick me up at my house. We went into Boston and the rest is history. Nine month later we were engaged and eleven month later we were married.

Our wedding was so magical and I have to say was the best day of my life. It went by way to fast. I have never been so happy.