Time has healed some of my wounds, but not all. It still hurts to see a mom with her child, my sister in law pregnant and announcing its a girl on facebook, an empty bedroom in my house that should of been the nursery, baby's first Christmas ornaments and just thinking that yet another holiday is here and I am still not a mother.
I often listen to books on cd in my car because I have an hour commute. The author reading was talking about her mother. The image that comes to her when she thinks of her is Maria Lactans, Mary as a nursing mother. She said she once asked her mother , "When you were a little girl, what did you dream about becoming? There was no hesitation, she said a mother."
This made me think of my own life. I have always said that as well. I never dreamed of becoming a doctor, lawyer, or an astronaut when I was little. I never really wanted a huge career. I just wanted to be a wife and mother. I remember playing dolls and pretending I was their mother all through my childhood. I couldn't wait to be older and get married and be a mom. I loved to babysit and take care of babies. I loved to babysit my nieces. I loved when people would mistake me for their mother. I never corrected them. For a moment I was a mother and I loved that feeling.
I am not giving up on my dream just yet. I am a fighter and have alot of fighting left in me. I am looking forward to 2010 and leaving 2009 as just a memory. I think all this will just make me a better mother.
Someday I can look at my baby and say, "I have waited a long time for you and I am going to be the best mother I can for you."
Maybe then my heart wont ache anymore.