Sunday, November 16, 2008

The Godmother

I am reading this book called The Godmother by Carrie Adams. I decided to read it because I too am a godmother. I am the godmother to 4 of my nieces and my nephew. I am about half way through the book and I am enjoying it very much. Tessa is the main character. There is a part in the book when Tessa's best friend, Claudia, miscarriages. She is with her when it happens. The author describes what happens and it brought back so many feelings and memories. The hemorrhaging in the bathroom, blood everywhere in the bathroom, on her bed, on the carpet. It just made me think of when I miscarried. Everything that happened to Claudia happened to me. She went to the hospital, she had a D&C, etc. Claudia tells Tessa she just feels empty. Tessa describes how she cleaned everything up while Claudia was in the hospital and needed to have it all cleaned up before she got home. How she was scrubbing to get all the blood out. My mom was Tessa. When I was in the hospital my mom came to my house and cleaned everything. It was amazing what she did. I can only imagine the pain she felt when she was doing it. I didn't really think about it till now. Tessa describes how she feels as she is cleaning. The sadness she feels too and how she is just trying to get everything clean so Claudia doesn't have to see it all. When Claudia comes home they describe how she just sleeps. She is on medication to help her sleep and forget about what happened. I wasn't that lucky. They didn't give me some pills to make me sleep and forget about all that happened. I was left with the raw feelings and just making myself sleep to try to forget that I was no longer pregnant.
In the book Claudia's husband Al tells Tessa that he wants to take her away and sell the house and start fresh. No reminders.
I think that is where my husband and I are at. We sold the condo and want to start fresh. The stains are all out in the carpet but the memory is still there for me. I still see bright red on the bathroom floors, on the carpet and in the toilet. I can't help but think that this is where I lost my second baby.
We are packing to move on, start fresh, make happier memories in our new house.
I am looking forward to that. I no longer want to see red.

1 comment:

Kristin (kekis) said...

I hope the new house is only a part of the new start you need. It won't be a fix-all, but it will give you the chance to renew and refresh. Thanks for the book review. I may have to read it over the holidays.