Tuesday, December 9, 2008

There should of been three

I put some Christmas decorations up last Saturday. I was buzzing around our new house adding some Christmas cheer in every room. Trying to get myself in the holiday mood. I enjoy decorating. I love to put on Christmas music while I decorate. My job every year has always been to do the Christmas candle lights in the windows growing up. I even went to my parents house last year and put them up for my parents. This year my spirit is a little dim.

As I made it to our living room I put our stockings up on the mantle. I couldn't help but get sad and overwhelmed. There should of been three stockings on our mantle this year. Sadly, there are still only two. I remember when I found out I was pregnant the first time I was so excited. I used to say to my husband, "Just think for Christmas we are going to have a one and half month old! It will be so much fun! Three babies will be at your parents for Christmas Eve and at my parents house my little nieces and nephew will just be so excited that there will be Auntie Sue's baby to play with!"

I can't help but think how my life should of been so different than what it is now. I should of had a one and half month old baby. I am not buying plush baby toys, a Baby's 1st Christmas ornament for the tree, Baby's First Christmas bib, or a cute little Christmas outfit. I am not having my brother take the baby's picture so I can make Christmas cards and send them to all our friends and family to introduce our precious little one. I am not signing our Christmas cards Love Always, Pasquale, Suzanne and Baby....

Instead I am left with the questions of why. Why is my life not how I planned it to be? Why was one baby taking away, why was I blessed again by being pregnant for the most glorious 11 weeks , 5 days of my life, only to have lost that precious baby also? Along with my spirit my faith is also dim. My faith in God is somewhat challenged. I can't help but be angry with him. Why is God playing this mean trick on me? That's what I feel it is. He gave me a little taste of what being an expectant mom feels like. He gave me all together a little over 3 months of maternal bliss. I was able to experience the pure joy of pregnancy. I felt so alive, so unbelievably happy, so in love with my precious gifts. I used to glow. I used to never feel alone. I had my gift with me at all times. During rides to work I would think of how great my life is. I have an unbelievable loving husband, he is my best friend and soul mate and we are going to have a baby. I used to think how many woman get to find their soul mate and marry them and now I am blessed with being pregnant. I am finally going to be a mom! I have dreamed about this life since I was a little girl. When I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I never said doctor or lawyer, I always simply said, I want to be a wife and a mother.

My husband wants the old Suzanne back. The one that had so much life and spirit. I don't blame him. I want her back too. As much as I try to be that woman he married, I just can't. My life changed on two days I will never forget. March 15th and June 16th. Those are the days when my hopes, dreams, and faith rapidly diminished. Those are the days my spirit went dim.
With Christmas rapidly approaching I have some mixed feelings brewing inside me. I am not looking forward to shopping in the mall and seeing the babies in the strollers being pushed by their lucky moms. I am not looking forward to seeing moms and dads holding their babies standing in line waiting for pictures with Santa. I will try to be strong and think that my day will come. I will soon be in that line and I will push that carriage some day. All hope is not lost. I am looking forward as always Christmas with my family. I always love to spending time with my family and my precious nieces and nephews. I am looking forward and love the many traditions that we have. At my parents house we are all together. Santa shows as always like he did when I was little and hands out our gifts. I love watching my nieces and nephew open their presents. I always feel pure joy when they open my gifts to them. They look up at me and with their wonderful, beautiful faces they say,"Thank you Auntie!!! You are the best!"
My husband and I then drive down the street to my in laws. About 30 or more people are there. All his cousins, aunts and uncles are there. We then all go in the living room and sit around and have a sing a long of Christmas songs. It truly is special.

On Christmas and Christmas day I will be thinking of my little ones. I will think that I wish I had one in my arms or I wish I was pregnant waiting for our baby's arrival. I will always love my precious angels. I will never forget them. I will one day have more spirit and faith. My light will grow bright again, the day I finally hold my son or daughter.

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