I have been thinking of my babies lately. Its been kind of tough lately. I am supposed to be big as a house now. Instead my stomach is somewhat flat. It saddens me. I am constantly being reminded that I am not pregnant. On Monday night at the gym I teach at I took a class before I taught my spin class. Right in front of me was a lady, she is due in January. I was due in January too with my second. I just couldn't help but stare at her big round belly and watch her trying to move around on the mat doing leg lifts and stretches. I just kept on thinking, "I should be like that now too." "Why is her baby surviving and mine didn't?" "What did she do differently?"
Then yesterday while packing up my house I was emptying my bureau. In my top drawer was my ultrasound picture. I was 5 weeks, 4 days. My baby died at about 6 weeks. It didn't look like much, just a blob of gum, but it was my baby. The baby's heart was beating then. I wish I could relive that day and the joy I felt watching the little heart beat on the ultrasound screen.
I am trying to stay strong and trying to not dwell on things that can not be, but its so hard. With the holidays approaching its very hard. I think I was supposed to have a baby now or I was supposed to be almost due now.
I feel like there are reminders around me everyday reminding me how I am not having a baby now. How am I supposed to heal if I am constantly being reminded?