Friday, November 7, 2008

Are we getting tested?

We started to try to conceive in February 2008. Lucky for us we got pregnant right away. On a Saturday, March 15, 2008, we went out to celebrate us being pregnant. We went to Bertucci’s at the North Shore Mall. I was so concerned that the soda could not have caffeine. We were so happy. I was going on and on about how Ann Taylor Loft had a maternity section there. I couldn't wait to wear maternity clothes. I couldn't wait to grow a big belly. That night we were staying at my in laws because our rugs in our condo were getting cleaned. Being pregnant I could not risk the smell, chemicals, etc. Before I went to sleep I had Pasquale say good night to our little baby. He did and I went to bed. At about 1 am I woke up to go to the bathroom, I was spotting. I called my husbands name and he came in the bathroom. I was so upset. I said I don't have my baby books here is this normal? Pasquale went on the computer and made printouts that some ladies do have spotting. I called my doctor and I was told to come to the ER. I miscarried at exactly 5 weeks. I was so devastated. All my hopes and dreams flew out the window.

We then waited one cycle and I thankfully got pregnant again.
I had an ultrasound at 5 weeks, 4 days. I got to see the heartbeat on the screen. I was so excited. I started to cry and I felt better. This one is different. All will be all right. I took my baby's first picture home with me. I was so proud. I showed my close friends at work. It only looked like a little blob of gum, but that was our baby. I place the picture on my bureau when I got home. I looked at the picture everyday when I was getting ready to go to work.

On a Monday night, June 16, 2008, I came home from teaching a spinning class. I was 11 weeks and 3 days. I went to the bathroom after my shower and I had a spot on the toilet paper. I called the doctor and the covering doctor called me back. He said its probably nothing but why don’t you come in and we can give you an ultrasound. In the car ride there I told Pasquale that I was not going to spin anymore. Maybe I worked out too much. I went to the labor and delivery triage unit and they gave me an ultrasound. The doctor was the nicest man I had ever met. He said I am so sorry, the fetus is about 6 weeks and there is no heartbeat. I was hysterical. How could this be happening again? Why us? Was God really this cruel?
I couldn’t control my sadness. It was so overwhelming. They said I could take pills to make the miscarriage happen naturally or get a D & C. I said I wanted another ultrasound the following day on a better machine. I guess I was in denial. The next day I started to bleed. I knew what was happening. I was miscarrying my second child.
Wednesday night, June 18th, I started getting bad cramps in my back and stomach. I was bleeding like a period. When I woke the following morning I was really bleeding. My husband was at work. An hour went by and I was hemorrhaging. I called the MGH and they said if it’s a pad an hour you need to come in. Well it was more than a pad an hour. I put two on it leaked through. My mom came up right away. I started to feel faint. I knew I couldn’t make it by car. I was bleeding way too much. We called the ambulance. My husband came home just in time and I was brought it to the nearest hospital because I was bleeding way too much and my blood pressure was very high. In the emergency room my pains were worse. The doctor said, Suzanne its like you are giving birth. I was on pain meds. The bleeding was getting worse. My husband was there and my sister came. My parents were there also. I was totally white. I was so out of it. I just wanted to be somewhere else other than where I was. I didn’t want to be coherent to what was going on. I kept on asking for more meds. Please just make me comatose.
The OB/GYN on call came and gave me pills to help it along a little faster. He then said it wasn’t working and I had an emergency D&C. As a result of the operation my lungs filled up with fluid. They said the bottom of my lungs collapsed. When I woke up in the recovery unit I couldn’t breathe. I was wheezing and they heard the fluid in my lungs. So they kept me overnight. They then discovered my blood count dropped to 19. A normal person is in the 39-40’s. I had to have a blood transfusion because of my blood being so low. I passed out in the bathroom and they said you need the transfusion. My blood only rose up to 21,but they did allow me to go home. I was put on iron pills 3 times a day. I couldn't do anything for a while. I got so tired and winded just walking up the stairs. My heart used to beat so fast I felt like it was going to come out of my chest. My doctor said your heart is pumping extra hard because of the lack of blood volume.

I can’t believe this all happened. I am trying to deal with the loss. It’s so hard. Especially thinking all was ok and the baby died at 6 weeks. I feel like such a failure. Every day I was getting stronger, both emotionally and physically. Everyone was so great and supportive. It took about a good couple of weeks to get stronger and feel better physically.
I did end up doing all the testing. Everything thankfully came back all ok. My husband’s chromosomes are fine. I had a hysterosalpingogram (HSG), which is an X-ray test that examines the inside of uterus and fallopian tubes and the surrounding area. All looked normal. So there are no reasons why I miscarried twice. Bad luck is what they tell me. Bad luck? What am I playing a card game? This is my life, my body, and my sweet babies I will never get to hold.
I am thinking positive that I will be a mother some day. My dreams will come true and I will hold my miracle one day.

People say they are in a better place; there was something wrong with them. The best place for them is in my arms. I will never forget my two little angels.

I often wonder, is our marriage being tested? We have been through so much in our first year of marriage and we have stuck together through it all. My husband has been my rock, my shoulder to cry on. I am so happy that I have him to lean on. He gives me strengh when I just want to give up. He says to me that we will get through this. We will have a baby. I have to believe him.

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