Monday, March 8, 2010

Week 9

My little embryo has now officially graduated to fetus. Adding to the excitement, a Doppler ultrasound device might be able to pick up the beating heart. With basic physical structures in place and increasingly distinct facial features, baby is kind of starting to look like... well... a baby!

I have been feeling good. Just very tired. I have had a hard few days. Very emotional and my fear has come back into play. Thursday night I woke up with these sharp pains. I called my doctor on Friday morning. The nurse sent me for an ultrasound. My doctor is not there on Fridays so the nurse said that we will write on the order that the ultrasound tech call the covering doctor and then the doctor can talk to you.
My husband and I went to the ultrasound. The baby looked great. He/she was moving its little arm. I would like to think he/she was saying "Hi mom, I'm OK and I'm here". I will just picture that image in my mind.
When I was released by the fertility clinic they did tell me I had a subchorionic hematoma. My RE didn't think it was a big deal. He said we see these all the time. They will just watch it. Its so small. When we had the ultrasound on Friday they still saw it. The covering doctor told me that she wasn't sure if it got bigger because she didn't have anything to compare it to. I asked her what happens if it get bigger. She said I could lose the pregnancy. She said take it easy this weekend and no lifting. I was in shock and just said "oh OK."
All weekend I took it easy. Saturday morning I had some brown discharge. I assume it was from the trans vaginal ultrasound.
This morning I called my doctor. They didn't have anything from the fertility clinic yet. I told them I would call them and have them fax over my last ultrasound. They said my doctor would call me.
Well... he did. He didn't want to tell me it got bigger. He said what good would it do to know that. I cant tell you to do something to fix it. There is nothing we can do to fix it. I said, So it got bigger. He said yes. I just was so upset. They are going to watch it and most times it does go away. I am on pelvic rest. No lifting, no exercise, nothing.
I see him next Monday. I just got off the phone and bawled. I just cant catch a break. My beautiful baby is in there and all I can picture is this hematoma getting bigger and just killing my baby. Something that wasn't a big deal is now threatening my babies safety.
I just feel like I cant get a break. There is always something. I need to just try to think positive and just picture that my baby will be strong and will fight.
I heard this is very common and usually takes care of itself by 20 weeks. But there is that risk of miscarriage.
I thought I was safe once I get out of the first trimester, but the reality is, I'm not. As my doctor said, you aren't safe until you deliver that baby.
So I am here, where I feel like I have been many times before. Scared, petrified, and
very fearful. I am trying to be hopeful, but its so hard. I am trying to keep it in my mind that alot of people have had this and it worked out. A woman here at work said she had one with her second pregnancy. Also, another friend had one too and she had her daughter. I feel a little better hearing that but I just feel like I just cant get a break. I cant have a doctor say, "It all looks perfect." My fear is I just am not meant to be a mom. But that isn't a fact. I have to just think of the facts.
These things fixes themselves out by 20 weeks.
I saw my baby and his/her heartbeat was healthy and strong at 171.
He/she was moving around and waving his arm.
He/she is healthy and protected in there.

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