A New Year

"I hope 2009 brings us better luck and we have no more heartaches. I am looking forward to the new year. I am trying to be positive that 2009 is our year. That we will have our miracle baby. "

That was the first part of my entry in last years new years blog entry.

Well sad to say that wish never happened. 2009 was not a better year. We still had heartaches. As I was in the shower today I was thinking to myself. Instead of feeling sad that this wasn't a good year, what happened that was good about it.
Well, I was pregnant. Even though it was for 8 weeks, I cherished those weeks. I found the doctor I am with now. My new reproductive endocrinologist is amazing. I am in such a wonderful practice. After my third miscarriage I switched. They found out that I in fact had a uterine septum and I had surgery to fix it in November.We are now moving on to IVF and I couldn't be happier. I feel like its a sign that the IVF will be in January. New year, better luck.

Its so easy to say, "this year was horrible, I just want to look forward to the new year and put this past one behind me." Though I feel this way, I also feel that I am glad things happened. They say things happen for a reason. If I didn't miscarry with my third I wouldn't of switched doctors, they wouldn't have found the septum and I wouldn't of been in the middle of IVF. I probably would of kept miscarrying and not knowing the reasons.

I also found out alot about myself that I am working on. My whole body and soul has been reworked. I am in the best shape of my life and I am the healthiest I have been in years.
I workout now in moderation. I do yoga more now that works on my flexibility and mind. I eat healthy foods.I don't diet anymore,starving myself and restricting my eating to lose weight. I simply eat foods that are good for me. I am preparing my body for a healthy pregnancy.

I know this year with be our year. I can feel it. Although I said this before, I know its true this time. Most of this year I will be pregnant. I will be growing a beautiful baby. We will have our miracle baby. My blog entry for next year will say "what a wonderful year we had!"

2010, I am ready for you.

The Lupron Fog

I started Lupron, also known as Leuprolide. Leuprolide is a man-made form of a hormone that regulates many processes in the body. Leuprolide overstimulates the body's own production of certain hormones, which causes that production to shut down temporarily. They want to stop ovulation for January's cycle, which is the IVF cycle.I started it yesterday. My husband was there and kind of gave me support. He is not good with needles, so I did that, but he was there, which was nice. You have to put the medication in a syringe and inject it 2 inches from your belly button. It didn't hurt at all. Today I felt like a pro doing it. I have to take 10 units every morning. Yesterday I was just very exhausted. I think I had to get used to it. I just slept and felt kind of drugged. I felt like I was in a fog all day. Today I feel much better. I am still tired and have a headache, but nothing I can't handle. I don't want to complain because its all for a good cause. Here are some side effects you get with Lupron.

The side effects are:
Acne, increased growth of facial hair
Dizziness, weakness, tired feeling
Hot flashes, night sweats, chills, clammy skin
Nausea, diarrhea, constipation, stomach pain
Skin redness, itching, or scaling
Joint or muscle pain
Vaginal itching or discharge
Breast swelling or tenderness
Impotence, loss of interest in sex
Depression, sleep problems (insomnia), memory problems
Redness, burning, itching, or swelling where the shot was given

I am one step closer to being a mom. I can see some light the end of the road and its getting brighter and brighter. I can't wait for this fog to lift. I am almost there...

Fear

I have experienced many feelings in this journey. Some feelings repeat themselves. Sadness, anger, happiness, disappointment, jealously, hopelessness, guilt, and fear to just name a few. I am struggling with fear. I am so afraid that I will never experience a full term pregnancy and never have a child. As I was driving to work I was thinking of one of my cousins who got induced yesterday. Will I ever experience that? Will I ever get to experience the miracle of giving birth?

I received my box of medications in the mail last week. I have all the medications I need to hopefully fulfill this dream. It was a bit overwhelming, but I knew it would all help me.
I already started birth control pills. It seems so weird to be on them. I am starting Lupron on Decemeber 28th.

My goal is just to get through Christmas. Its so very hard. Last year was tough and now this year its hard again. I went to the mall one day and it just hurts seeing moms and dads pushing baby carriages and standing in line waiting to take a picture with Santa. As my husband and I were decorating the tree I couldn't help but think another Christmas without a son or daughter. It just doesn't seem fair. I would give anything to be able to put a stocking in between my husbands and mine. My fears come into play. I fear I will never get to do this.

I have to have faith that this 2010 will be our year. Good things will happen to us. I will be able to put my fears aside and will experience the feeling of happiness and excitement.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas.





"Remember, if Christmas isn't found in your heart, you won't find it under a tree." ~ Charlotte Carpenter.

I believe

I just got the new Andrea Bocelli Christmas CD on itunes. There is a song called I Believe. He sings it with Katherine Jenkins. This one song is so beautiful and the words are so true. Here are the lyrics. This song touched me so much.

One day I’ll hear the laugh of children
In a world where war has been banned
One day I’ll see men of all colors
Sharing words of love and devotion
Stand up and feel the holy spirit
Find the power of your faith
Open your heart to those who need you
In the name of love and devotion
Yes I believe
I believe in the people
0f all nations to join and to care for love
I believe in a world where
Light will guide us and giving our love
We’ll make heaven on earth

Yes I believe
I believe in the people
0f all nations to join and to care for love
I believe in a world
And giving our love
We’ll make heaven on earthI believe


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yc_7ZJdv1o0

I have a visitor.

Many months I wish she never showed up. I usually pray she stays far away. But this month I couldn't wait for her to come. Yes you guessed it, my Aunt Flo aka menstrual cycle. My poor husband doesn't even know how to respond anymore. I told him that I finally got my period, his response, "Is that good or bad". Poor guy.

I feel like I am moving to a new chapter in my journey. Its a whole new world my therapist says. Yes, I do see a therapist and I find it very helpful. Through this whole journey I have been having to deal with so many feelings. Its been a roller coaster that I needed to get a handle on. I go to a place that deals with the mind and body. They have therapist, nutritionist, yoga and acupuncture.

What I like about the therapist is her patients are all dealing with infertility. She really knows where I am coming from. I have learned I need to get my body healthy to obtain a pregnancy. I was exercising at a high intensity level, 6 to 7 days a week, 2 to 3 hours a day, and I wasn't eating very well. Sometimes I would eat just two meals a day. I would constantly count calories and weigh myself every day. That's where the nutritionist came into play. I knew in the back of my mind that I had a problem. I felt like I was spiraling out of control. My body image was completely distorted. I always thought I was fat, was always on a diet, and I needed to workout everyday. I was diagnosed with having an eating disorder.

As I look back on my life I can pretty much say it has been going on for a very long time. In my early teens I remember always being on a diet and working out, in my 20's I would take diet pills and again workout to the extreme. The eating disorder resurfaced before my wedding and then resurfaced again after my first miscarriage. I felt this was the only way I could have control of my body. When I miscarried I had no control, I couldn't prevent it or stop it. This was the only way I could control it. Its been a secret I have been dealing with and it felt really good to get it off my chest. Although I am ashamed and have not told my family, just my husband, I feel like I am on my way to recovery. Its a long road and I have to retrain my minds thinking. I can't eat out in restaurants because it gets me very nervous. I don't know how they make the food and the not knowing the calories really sets me off.

When I look back on when I was pregnant, I would be very scared about gaining weight. I would gain weight very fast because I would eat better and add carbs to my diet. This used to make be very nervous. I would go on the scale every day and get so upset. I have so much guilt. Did I cause my miscarriages because my body didn't like gaining weight.
I am still dealing with that part of guilt.

I had a realization a couple of weeks ago. I was sitting with my therapist and I told her we decided to do IVF. I said I have 2 months to get on track. I need to do it now! She said do you think you can do it? I said yes, I want to be a mom more than anything.

My workouts are now just walking, not getting my heart rate above 130 for 30 minutes, strength training with low weights and yoga. I think the yoga has helped out tremendously. Its quiets my mind and lets me relax. Fertility yoga is my favorite.

Now with Aunt Flo here we are moving to the next step. Its a two month process. This month I am on birth control pills to shrink cysts I have on my ovaries and prevent new ones from forming, then next month is the IVF.

I know I have alot of work to do. I see my therapist every other week now and the nutritionist every month. I also have to do alot of work on my own. This is the only body I have. I cant trade it in for a new one and I really need to have it be as healthy as it can be. I need to make it a safe place for a baby.

I urge you to talk to someone if you need to. Don't be ashamed or feel that you can deal with things on your own. You are not weak, you are in fact strong. This whole process is very hard to deal with, emotionally and sometimes physically. Most fertility centers offer therapists to talk to. Here are a few websites I found helpful.

http://www.fertilityneighborhood.com/

www.resolve.org/

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/



I wish you all well in your journeys to motherhood. You are not alone.

Namaste.

Tick tock

I have learned the power of patience through all this. I am now waiting for Aunt Flo to come so I can start my IVF cycle. I was giving estrogen after the surgery to build up the lining in the uterus and then they gave me progestin to bring my menstrual cycle on, but still nothing. I sometimes think my body is on strike and just refuses to cooperate. I thought it would come first week of December, I would be put on birth control pills for 21 days to shrink my cysts and make sure no new ones form and then in January I will get the IVF. Now it looks like its we are going to be delayed a bit.

My insurance didn't approve the PGD testing. I went to see my doctor and he suggested I didn't do it. He said if you my kids I would tell you not to waste your money. So we decided to just do the IVF. I am hoping my problem was my septum and since that's gone I should be good to go.

I just want to get this process moving. I can't wait to start the new year. I am ready to put 2009 behind me.