It still hurts

Time has healed some of my wounds, but not all. It still hurts to see a mom with her child, my sister in law pregnant and announcing its a girl on facebook, an empty bedroom in my house that should of been the nursery, baby's first Christmas ornaments and just thinking that yet another holiday is here and I am still not a mother.

I often listen to books on cd in my car because I have an hour commute. The author reading was talking about her mother. The image that comes to her when she thinks of her is Maria Lactans, Mary as a nursing mother. She said she once asked her mother , "When you were a little girl, what did you dream about becoming? There was no hesitation, she said a mother."

This made me think of my own life. I have always said that as well. I never dreamed of becoming a doctor, lawyer, or an astronaut when I was little. I never really wanted a huge career. I just wanted to be a wife and mother. I remember playing dolls and pretending I was their mother all through my childhood. I couldn't wait to be older and get married and be a mom. I loved to babysit and take care of babies. I loved to babysit my nieces. I loved when people would mistake me for their mother. I never corrected them. For a moment I was a mother and I loved that feeling.

I am not giving up on my dream just yet. I am a fighter and have alot of fighting left in me. I am looking forward to 2010 and leaving 2009 as just a memory. I think all this will just make me a better mother.

Someday I can look at my baby and say, "I have waited a long time for you and I am going to be the best mother I can for you."

Maybe then my heart wont ache anymore.

Is that some light I see?

We are another step closer.
I just came back from my post op appointment. I really like the Doctor. He was the surgeon and he is the director of the fertility clinic I go to. He sat us down and said he was going to go through everything with us. My husband was there with me. All my tests I had (I did an observation cycle the month previous to this one), the surgery, and what the next steps we need to take.
All my tests are fine. The surgery went well. I had a 2 cm septum. He said is this why you miscarried, he cant say for sure, but at least that is out of the picture now.

He said I have 3 options, try on our own, IUI or IVF with PGD. We are going for the IVF. The PGD is preimplantation genetic diagnosis on the embryos. They will test the chromosomes to make sure they are normal before they put them in me. I am so happy they are going to do this. Hopefully, it will be covered by insurance. I asked what the criteria was for them to cover. It is 3 miscarriages, the doctors recommendation, and 35. I will be 35 in April so I hope they cover it the testing. I think I will do it anyways if it isn't covered. I think it is worth it and it will just give me peace of mind that the embryos they put in me are ok chromosomal.

Its a two month process. I will get my period in 3 weeks, then I am put in birth control pills and then the next period they put the embryos in me. So I think we are looking at January. That will be a month shy of 2 years since we started the whole trying to conceive process. There are alot of shots, medicine involved and my odds for twins goes up. I would love twins!

So that's were we are at. I am so much closer, I can feel it. I need this nightmare to end. I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have a feeling 2010 is going to be our year.

A great book for those who love yoga.

I just finished reading Enlightment for Idiots by Anne Cushman. This is her first novel. She is a is a contributing editor to both Yoga Journal and Tricycle: The Buddhist Review and the coauthor of From Here to Nirvana, a seeker’s guide to spiritual India.
This book was great. She takes you to India and if you love yoga you will appreciate this book.

Here is what it is about.

Nearing age thirty, Amanda thought she’d be someone by now. Instead, she’s just herself: an ex-nanny, wannabe yogini who cranks out “For Idiots” travel guides just to scrape by. Yes, she has her sexy photographer boyfriend, but he’s usually gone—shooting a dogsled race in Alaska or a vision quest in Peru—or just hooking up with other girls. However, she’s sure her new assignment, “Enlightenment for Idiots,” will change everything; now she will become the serene, centered woman she was meant to be. After some breakup sex, she’s off to India to find a new, more spiritual life.What she finds, though, is an ashram run by investment bankers, a yoga master who trashes her knee, and a guru with a weakness for fashion models. She escapes a tantra party at the Taj Hotel, has a nasty argument outside the cave where the Buddha used to meditate, then agonizes through the ten-day meditation retreat that’s supposed to make her feel better.No, India is not what she’d pictured. But she finds a friend in Devi Das, a red-headed sadhu who refers to himself as “we.” And when a holy lunatic on the street offers her an enigmatic blessing, Amanda realizes a new life might be in store for her—just not the one she was expecting.

One step closer

I am one step closer to motherhood. I can feel it. I had the uterine septum surgery on Wednesday. I am recovering from it. The doctor put me on estogen to help heal the uterus faster.
Please talk to your doctors if you have had recurrent pregnancy loss. Please don't take that it is bad luck as a reason.
Make sure you have a hysteroscopy. This is a way they can look inside your uterus. Also, please remember my story. One doctor told me I had a uterine septum, I had the surgery with another doctor and she said no I don't have one, I miscarried my third and I had another hysteroscopy with a new doctor, he said that I fact had one and now here I am with it finally out. If they left it alone I would miscarry again. Also what no one knew about and thank god I had the hysteroscopy, was that I had products of conception still in my uterus. So if you went natural with your miscarriages please ask for a hysteroscopy to make sure everything is out of the uterus.
The doctor also told me I would miscarry if the baby implanted there as well.

So I feel that I am one step closer to motherhood. I will be a mom.

Much love,
Suzanne