A year ago...

I remember this day so clearly in my mind. The day before was Fathers Day and I was almost 12 weeks pregnant. We were so happy. We were almost there in the safe place. Just a few more days. I gave my husband his first father’s day gift. I cute onesie with his construction logo on it and a mug that said “Dad”. We couldn't of been happier. When we went to his aunt’s house we told everyone that we were pregnant. The next night I came home from teaching spinning and went to the bathroom. I had red on the toilet paper. I was so scared and couldn’t believe this was happening again. I still felt very pregnant and no symptoms were gone so I figured that maybe it was because I just worked out. I called the doctor on call and they called me right back. He told me it’s probably nothing and come in so I can have an ultrasound to make sure all is ok. My husbands were driving to the hospital and I said I promise I will stop teaching spinning. That must be it. I went to the hospital and they gave me an ultrasound. The doctor was so nice. He had tears in his eyes. He said I am so sorry this baby is about 6 weeks and it has no heartbeat. I just lost it. Not again. This cant be happening again. God is this cruel! I was hysterical. I told him get someone else to look at it. He is wrong. I still feel pregnant. Another doctor came in and looked at me and said, “ok you need to calm right down” Oh I wanted to just punch her. She was so mean. She confirmed it. He gave me two options, wait it out and take pills. Me, in denial said I wouldn’t take the pills I will wait till I can go to my doctors tomorrow. They will give me another ultrasound with a better machine and all will be ok. Well the next day I knew I was losing my second child.
So on this anniversary of my second loss I thought of how great would it be if I got a Positive on a pregnancy test this morning. No such luck. NEGATIVE! I know my period is coming. I feel it. So since it’s a year since my second miscarriage I can finally have treatments done at the reproductive clinic I go to. I called them this morning and asked to see my RE so we can set up a consultation so see what the next step was. She didn’t have anything until next month. There was no way I was waiting another cycle out. I waited long enough. A month seems like nothing but its like eternity when you have waited so long to have a baby. I asked if I could see someone else. She said but you would have to have an hour-long consultation visit. I said that’s fine. All my labs and tests are there I don’t care who gives me treatments. I don’t care where I have to go. I am not waiting another month. So we have appointment in 2 days.
It’s been a long road. Emotionally, I cant take much more of this. I have so many mixed emotions. Month after month of disappointment and just total let down. The upset I feel at my body because it does not do what’s it was made to do. Of health insurance not doing anything until I have not been pregnant for a year. What difference does it make? After all that’s said and down, a year is a year. There is still no baby in my arms. This year finally comes and then someone tells you no you have to wait another month. There was no way I was letting that happen. I am hoping that I am able to go straight to the IUI. I just think that is the only thing that will help. I don’t get how I got pregnant so quickly over a year ago and now it’s hard. Does age have anything to do with it? Is it because I am a year older? Who knows? I am just wishing I can get some answers and have a treatment plan on Thursday.