Tuesday, June 16, 2009

A year ago...

I remember this day so clearly in my mind. The day before was Fathers Day and I was almost 12 weeks pregnant. We were so happy. We were almost there in the safe place. Just a few more days. I gave my husband his first father’s day gift. I cute onesie with his construction logo on it and a mug that said “Dad”. We couldn't of been happier. When we went to his aunt’s house we told everyone that we were pregnant. The next night I came home from teaching spinning and went to the bathroom. I had red on the toilet paper. I was so scared and couldn’t believe this was happening again. I still felt very pregnant and no symptoms were gone so I figured that maybe it was because I just worked out. I called the doctor on call and they called me right back. He told me it’s probably nothing and come in so I can have an ultrasound to make sure all is ok. My husbands were driving to the hospital and I said I promise I will stop teaching spinning. That must be it. I went to the hospital and they gave me an ultrasound. The doctor was so nice. He had tears in his eyes. He said I am so sorry this baby is about 6 weeks and it has no heartbeat. I just lost it. Not again. This cant be happening again. God is this cruel! I was hysterical. I told him get someone else to look at it. He is wrong. I still feel pregnant. Another doctor came in and looked at me and said, “ok you need to calm right down” Oh I wanted to just punch her. She was so mean. She confirmed it. He gave me two options, wait it out and take pills. Me, in denial said I wouldn’t take the pills I will wait till I can go to my doctors tomorrow. They will give me another ultrasound with a better machine and all will be ok. Well the next day I knew I was losing my second child.
So on this anniversary of my second loss I thought of how great would it be if I got a Positive on a pregnancy test this morning. No such luck. NEGATIVE! I know my period is coming. I feel it. So since it’s a year since my second miscarriage I can finally have treatments done at the reproductive clinic I go to. I called them this morning and asked to see my RE so we can set up a consultation so see what the next step was. She didn’t have anything until next month. There was no way I was waiting another cycle out. I waited long enough. A month seems like nothing but its like eternity when you have waited so long to have a baby. I asked if I could see someone else. She said but you would have to have an hour-long consultation visit. I said that’s fine. All my labs and tests are there I don’t care who gives me treatments. I don’t care where I have to go. I am not waiting another month. So we have appointment in 2 days.
It’s been a long road. Emotionally, I cant take much more of this. I have so many mixed emotions. Month after month of disappointment and just total let down. The upset I feel at my body because it does not do what’s it was made to do. Of health insurance not doing anything until I have not been pregnant for a year. What difference does it make? After all that’s said and down, a year is a year. There is still no baby in my arms. This year finally comes and then someone tells you no you have to wait another month. There was no way I was letting that happen. I am hoping that I am able to go straight to the IUI. I just think that is the only thing that will help. I don’t get how I got pregnant so quickly over a year ago and now it’s hard. Does age have anything to do with it? Is it because I am a year older? Who knows? I am just wishing I can get some answers and have a treatment plan on Thursday.


Kristin (kekis) said...

While reading this, I felt as if I could have written it. Those terrible anniversaries stick with us as strongly as the happy ones do. Hopefully we find some healing in remembering and seeing how far we've come, but it also resurfaces so many painful memories. Good job in getting into an RE asap. I hope they can get you headed in the right direction. I'll be following your in your footsteps after this cycle is a bust. The whole insta-pregnant to nothing deal is a mystery to me too!

Mrs.Andreazza said...

(((hugs))) Good luck on Thursday.